The Toddler Miracle Diet

[Marbles]

THE TODDLER DIET

Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The
trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to
eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough
variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat
diet).

Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the
years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-
olds are trim. It came to me one day over a glass of water
and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After
consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and
distraught Moms, I was able to formulate this new diet.

Good luck!

DAY ONE
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape
jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the
rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the
jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips,
and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of
flat Pepsi.

Bedtime snack: Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the
kitchen floor.

DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat
it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of
vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a
handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if
desired.

Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take
outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until
it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust
up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed
potatoes; eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with
fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other
pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker
from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your
best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit
several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table
and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red
punch.

FINAL DAY
Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of
soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes,
add a half cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk
and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet.
Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meat-
ball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.