A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a
nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick
and lame. They start talking and she asks about his life. He
talks about his wife and his 13 children.
"My, my," says the nun, "13 children, a good, proper Catholic
family. God is very proud of you."
"I'm sorry Sister," he says, "I am not Catholic, I'm Jewish."
"Jewish!" she replies, "You sex maniac you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top 10 Rejection Lines given by Women
(and what they actually mean)
10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek
In 'Deliverance.')
9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You're old enough to be my DAD!)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on!)
7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you
May hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend.
(I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of
Ben and Jerry's...)
5. I don't date men where I work.
(I wouldn't date you if you were in the same
'solar system', much less the same building!!!)
4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's you...)
3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is
Better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)
1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in
Excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and
Have sex with. It's the male perspective thing.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arthur took his college roommate, Samuel, home
For Christmas, and after dinner, spoke to his father,
"Dad, I need to tell you something. Samuel and
I want to get married, and we'd like your blessing."
Arthur's father practically exploded, his face
Turned red, and was literally speechless for ten
Minutes. When he finally regained his composure,
He replied,
"Arthur, you CANNOT marry Samuel!!! For
Christ's sake, Arthur... He's... He's Jewish!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two deer were gossiping about the doe down the road.
"I'm not saying she's promiscuous," said one, "but
there's a sign outside her place that reads,
"The buck stops here."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. A woman's husband was watching a football game and she was
Bored. So she went outside and decided to pick up the trash
In the yard.
After a while, the husband came outside and was watching her
Work when he said, "You know, your butt is as big as that
BBQ grill". She didn't say anything, she just kept working.
That night he crawled into bed and she turned her back to
Him. He asked her why she didn't want to have sex with him,
And she said, "Why should I fire up this big old BBQ grill
For just one little weenie like that ?!?
2. There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time
Waiting for the offspring to arrive at his in-laws place. He
Was absolutely positive that his wife was going to present
Him with a boy.
As his leave balance had gone into the red, he told his
Father-in-law, "When my son comes, do not call up office and
Say that I have become a father of a boy. Then I'll have to
Shell out a lot for parties, etc. Just tell me that the
Clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of
My son."
The offspring finally arrives one day, but it's a daughter.
The father-in-law now thinks, "If I tell him that the clock
Has not arrived, he'll misunderstand that some thing has
Happened to the baby and come rushing over." So he sends the
Message, "The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is
Missing."
3. A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large
Beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said
$50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet storekeeper.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you
First that this bird used to live in a house of
Prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar
Stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have
The bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage
Up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, and said,
"That's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird
Saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began
To laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."
~~~~~~
A Cynic's Dictionary
FUNERAL HOME: A stately manse occupied by transients who
Continually receive visitors but lack the energy and
Inclination to entertain them.
GENETIC ENGINEERING: Tampering with chromosomes so that
Science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that
Plays the banjo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Beloved Pet(S):
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
Other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print
In the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
Your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
Slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
Me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
Fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
About this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
Comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to
The fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out
And having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing
But sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
Some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
Necessary to claw, whine, bark, meow, try to turn the knob or get your
Paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
Same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --
Canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.
Cannot stress this enough!
To return the kindness of your obedience, my dear pets, I have posted
The following on our front door so visitors to our home know what the rules
Are here:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets
:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
Furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted children who are
Short, hairy and walk on all fours. Although they don't speak clearly,
Theycommunicate extremely well, especially my dogs.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for
Money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called (this does
Not apply to cats), never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using
Friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the
Latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars
For college. Also, if they get pregnant, you can sell the children!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis?
A: You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
______________________
T O d a y 'S j O k e
______________________
Two terrorists are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and
Is flipping through pictures.
"Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son.
He's a martyr, too." There's a pause...
The second terrorist says, wistfully...
"Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"
__________________________________________________ _____________
T O d a y' S B O n U S j O k e
__________________________________
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
Children's' sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as
She sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That's a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on
Microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you ever smelled moth balls before?
If so, how did you get their little legs apart?
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXOVER THE EDGEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Loretta lowered her lashes and whispered, "Kiss me goodnight."
So Bob kissed her on the navel.
"Why did you do it there?" she asked with surprise.
"Oh," he answered, "I wanted to see what you`d open first
...your eyes or your legs."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXOVER THE EDGEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
You just may be a nymphomaniac if...
. You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.
. You go through a Sealyä Mattress every week.
. Frederick of Hollywood actually comes to your door himself
...just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
. You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
. When they change your area code to 976.
. Tetracycline is your best friend.
. McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".
. It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
. When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your door.
. When you get hemorrhoids on you shoulders.
. Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
. When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
. When you're wearing more latex than spandex.
. When your ceiling mirrors fog.
. When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
. When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
. Madonna comes to you for pointers.
. When he doesn't even have to buy you a drink.
. When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
. Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
. The only place you haven't had sex is on the moon.
. When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot"
. When it only takes 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.
. When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
. When other women begin to call you "Man's Best Friend".
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXOVER THE EDGEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
A woman was shopping in a furniture store for a new mattress.
As she bent over to examine the tenth mattress she had
Considered, she suddenly let out a horrendous fart.
"Excuse me," she said, embarrassed, to the clerk who was
Helping her.
"Heck, I'm used to it, lady," he said. "When you see the price
On that one, your gonna shit!"
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXOVER THE EDGEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
What is the difference between a golf ball and a "G spot"?
A man will take 30 minutes to find a golf ball.
Saturday's lol's 
Linear Mode
