Thursday lols

[14inches]

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The wife's on the deck drinking a glass of wine. Her husband comes out with his newspaper, sits down and starts reading it.
She says, "I love you so much. I don't think I could get through one day without you."
He puts down his newspaper and says, "Is that you talking, or is that the wine talking?"
She says, "It's me talking. To the wine."




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Sabean's in San Francisco, goes to a local doctor after having terrible stomach pains, and the doctor orders an emergency colonoscopy. Sabean's naked on his side as the beautiful nurse starts the procedure.
The nurse says, "Please don't be concerned, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection."
Sabean says, "I haven't got an erection."
The nurse says, "I know, but I do."


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One night, after thirty-five years of marriage, Bernie says to Sylvia, "Sylvia, I'm leaving you."
Sylvia starts crying and says, "Leaving me? Leaving me, Bernie? How can you do that to me, Bernie? How can you just walk out? The first year we were together, you caught pneumonia and almost died. Who sat by your bed and nursed you back to health? Me. And when you lost half your family in the terrible car crash, who kept you going? Me. And when you lost everything last year in the fire at the store, who stayed at your side the whole time? Me. How could you leave me, Bernie? You've been through so much with me."
Bernie says, "That's the problem, Sylvia. You're a fucking jinx."


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A kid catches his grandfather with his pants down, yanking on his weenie.
He says, "Jerking off, Grampa?"
And his grandfather says, "Nope. Just jerkin'."

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It's 1971, and after dodging the draft for a few years, a guy's finally going down to Whitehall Street in for his army physical. He's scared to death because he knows he's in perfect shape and that they're going to classify him 1-A. When he gets there, there's a nun standing in front of the induction center.
He throws himself at her feet, wraps his arms around her legs, and says, "Sister, I can't go to war. I can't carry a gun. I can't shoot anybody."
She says, "Yeah? Well, reach up my leg and you'll feel my balls. I ain't going to Viet Nam, either."



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It's 1946, Durkin's got a seaside bar & grill on the boardwalk on Coney Island, and business is terrible. It's midnight, the joint's empty, and just as he decides he's going to lock the door for the last time, a clam walks in.
The clam says, "Too late to get a gin and tonic?"
Durkin says, "Nah, what the hell," goes behind the bar, and serves the clam a drink.
The clam says tells him about his hard life, sprinkled with a few really funny stories, and then says, "Mind if I play the piano?"
Durkin says, "Nah, what the hell, go ahead."
The clam sits at the piano and starts pounding away and singing his heart out. A few people walking by see him, come in, and start drinking. Pretty soon the place is full, the clam never stops, and everybody stays until closing time.
After everybody's gone, Durkin says to the clam, "You ain't bad. What's your name?"
The clam says, "I'm Joe. Want me to come back tomorrow night?"
Durkin says, "Yeah. I want you here every night."
Durkin puts a sign in the window, "Tonight, on the piano, Joe The Clam," and for the next few months the place is packed to the hilt six nights a week. Durkin's swimming in cash, there's women everywhere, and Joe's become a local celebrity.
One Monday, it's the afternoon of their day off, and Joe drags himself into the bar with his shell all busted up, hanging off him in pieces. He's in really bad shape.
Durkin says, "What happened?"
Joe says, "I was under the pier with this hot starfish and her lobster boyfriend caught us. Beat me up pretty bad."
Durkin takes him up to his apartment over the bar and tucks him into bed.
He says, "Just rest, Joe. You're going to be fine. Now, listen ... I got a date tonight with that blonde who's been coming in lately, so if we come in and I manage to get her into the bed, don't say anything. Try to stay out of the way."
Durkin takes the blonde to dinner, they get drunk, he brings her up to the apartment, they get undressed, they climb into bed and they really go to town. The next working, Durkin's eyes open, he remembers the night before, and he smiles.
He looks over at the blonde and says, "Did you have a good time last night?"
She says, "Oh, it was wonderful."
Durkin says, "Did you like what I did down there with my tongue?"
She says, "What?"
He says, "I said, did you like what I did to you down there with my tongue?"
She says, "You didn't do anything to me down there with your tongue."
Durkin says, "Oh my God ... I ate my best friend."


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What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.



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Why won't Oprah ever get married?
She's terrified she'll walk down the aisle and sideswipe both families.



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A guy goes into a store and says, "Can I have two pounds of kielbasa?"
The guy behind the counter says, "You're Polish, aren't you?
The guy says, "Oh, so just because I'm buying kielbasa you assume I'm Polish? That's stereotyping. If I asked for lox, would you assume I'm a Jew? If I asked for taco shells, would you assume I'm a Mexican? Tell me ... is the fact I'm asking for kielbasa why you assume I'm Polish?"
The guy behind the counter says, "No, it's because this is a fucking hardware store."


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A lady's sitting in a restaurant when a waiter walks by digging away at his asshole.
She says, "Waiter! Have you got hemorrhoids?"
He says, "Just what's on the menu, lady."

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Saturday morning there's a knock on the door and Sabean answers it.
There's a guy standing there and he says, "Hello. I'm a Jehovah's Witness."
Sabean says, "Come on in."
The guy steps into the house, Sabean leads him to the living room, and they sit.
Sabean says, "Now what would you like to talk about?"
The guy says, "I'll be fucked if I know. I never got this far before."


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What's a slut?
A slut's a woman with the morals of a man.

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Kelly's on his way over to dinner at his girlfriend's, determined to ask her father's permission to marry his daughter. Her parents are very old-school Irish, and Kelly's really nervous. When he gets there, he gets even more nervous, and by the time dinner's over, he's a mess.
Finally, as they're having coffee, a wave of confidence washes over Kelly, and he says, "M-Mister F-Flanagan, m-may I h-have your d-daughter's hole in handy matrimony?"


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Baker marries a virgin, and it's their wedding night. He's on fire. He gets naked, jumps into bed, and then starts groping her as soon as she climbs in.
She says, "David, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as at the dinner table."
He sits up, folds his hands on his lap, and says, "Is that better?"
She says, "Much better."
He says, "Okay. Now will you please pass the pussy?"


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How can you tell if a house was landscaped by a blonde?
All the bushes are brown.



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A farmer goes to pick up his mail order bride. On the way home from the Post Office the horse pulling the wagon stops to graze.
The farmer says, "That's one, horse," whips him a few times, and the horse gets moving again.
A few minutes later the horse stops to graze again.
The farmer says, "That's two, horse," whips him a few times, and the horse gets moving again.
A ways down the road the horse stops to graze again.
The farmer says, "That's three, horse."
He reaches behind him, grabs his shot gun, and boom!, he blows the horse's head off.
His new bride turns to him and says, "Wasn't that a little drastic?"
The farmer says, "That's one, wife."


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Schneider's really drunk. He's sitting at the bar, his cock is out, he's got a monstrous hard-on, and he's jerking off like there's no tomorrow.
The bartender says, "Schneider, you gotta get outta here."
Schneider says, "Are you kiddin'? I can't leave. I can't walk. I'm so drunk, I don't even know who I'm fuckin'."


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A young couple has sex, and when they're finished, she looks in the box of condoms, and there's only six left out of twelve.
She says, "What happened to the other five condoms?"
He says, "I, uh, masturbated with them."
That night she tells a male friend what happened, and she says, "Have you ever done that?"
He says, "Of course. All the time."
She says, "Really? You've jerked off into a condom?"
He says, "Oh, no. I thought you were asking me if I've ever lied to my girlfriend."


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How do you eat a girl while you're driving a car?
You stick your hand in there and get it all wet,
stick it out the window to get it dry,
then peel it off and eat it like a potato chip.

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Farrington wakes up one morning and there's a bear on his roof, so he looks in The Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bubba The Bear Remover." He calls the number, and Bubba says he'll be right over. In a little while, Bubba pulls up in a little van, opens the back, and unloads a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a flea-bitten old pit bull.
Farrington says, "What are you going to do?"
Bubba says, "I'm gonna climb up there and knock the bear off the roof with this here baseball bat. After the bear falls off, this here pit bull, Booie, he's gonna grab the bear's testicles in his teeth, and ain't nothing make Booie let go. At that point, the bear'll be manageable enough for me to get him into the cage I got in the back of the van."
Then Bubba hands the shotgun to Farrington.
Farrington says, "What's the shotgun for?"
Bubba says, "If the bear knocks me off the roof instead, shoot fucking Booie."


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What's the difference between Newt Gingrich's tie and a cow's tail?
The cow's tail covers the entire asshole.

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Friedman's sitting at the bar drunk and he says to the bartender, "Who'd you vote for in the last election?"
The bartender says, "It's none of your business. And besides, you don't talk politics in a bar."
A few minutes later, Friedman says, "What church do you go to?"
The bartender says, "It's none of your business. And besides, you don't talk religion in a bar."
A few minutes later, Friedman says, "Can I talk about sex?"
The bartender says, "Sure. Sex is a great topic for barroom conversation."
Friedman says, "Fuck you."


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What should you do if you're swallowed by a whale?
Run around until you get pooped out.

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A couple's driving along, arguing about the husband's infidelity, when the wife takes out a knife, slices off his cock, and tosses it out the window.
Coming the other way is a guy and his eight-year-old daughter, and it hits their windshield with a big splat!, and then slides off, leaving a trail of blood on the windshield.
The little girl says, "What was that?"
Her father says, "It was a bug."
She says, "He had some cock, eh, Pop?"

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Hudson goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "Hey, big time ... what's on your platter for tonight?"
She says, "I was going to fuck your brains out, but it looks like somebody beat me to it."

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[14inches]

A bright redhead walks into a tattoo parlour and says, "I love hockey. I want a Wayne Gretsky tattoo on my asscheek."
The guy says, "No problem."
He goes to work, then steps back and says, "That's beautiful."
She looks in the mirror and says, "Jesus, that looks nothing like Wayne Gretsky."
He says, "Damn redheads, I hate you guys. I'll make you a deal. I'll do another one on the other cheek, and if it's not even better, you don't have to pay for them."
She says, "Deal."
He does it, steps back, and says, "Magnificent."
She looks in the mirror and says, "That looks nothing like Wayne Gretsky."
He says, "Okay, ma'am, this is ridiculous. The next guy who walks in that door, we're going to ask him who that is. If he doesn't say Wayne Gretsky, you don't have to pay for any of them."
She says, "Deal."
A guy walks in and she says, "Excuse me, sir, can you tell me who this is?"
She pulls down her pants, turns around and bends over.
The guy says, "Holy Christ. I don't know who them two wingers are, but I'm pretty sure that's Randy McDonald playing center."


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Why don't elephants use tampons?
You wouldn't use them, either, if you had to put them in with your nose.

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A guy gets a new job so he goes and buys himself a suit and a pair of shiny black patent leather shoes. Then he decides to go dancing.
He's dancing with a girl, he looks down at his shiny new black patent leather shoes, looks back at her, and says, "I don't like girls who wear polka dot panties."
She says, "How do you know I'm wearing polka dot panties?"
He says, "I can see them in my shiny new black patent leather shoes."
He's dancing with another girl, he looks down at his shiny new black patent leather shoes, looks back at her, and says, "I like girls who wear white lace underwear."
She says, "How do you know I'm wearing white lace underwear?"
He says, "I can see them in my shiny new black patent leather shoes."
He's dancing with another girl, he looks down at his shiny new black patent leather shoes, looks back at her...looks down at his shiny new black patent leather shoes, looks back at her...and says, "What do you have on under that dress?"
She says, "Nothing."
He says, "Whew. I thought I had a crack in my shiny new black patent leather shoes."


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Why did God create women?
To carry the semen from the bedroom to the toilet.



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Nicosia's out in the country leaning on a fence with his new bride, and they watch as a bull comes over the rise and fucks six cows in a row, one after the other.
The new Mrs. Nicosia says, "It's a shame a man can't perform like that."
Nicosia says, "We could ... if we got to change cows every time."


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How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
One of his fingers is clean.

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It's World War Two, and a general's visiting the soldiers in an army hospital.
He says to the guy in the first bed, "What're you in here for, soldier?"
He says, "Chronic syphilis, sir."
"And what are you getting for it?"
"Five minutes a day with the wire brush, sir."
"And what's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front as soon as possible, sir."
The general says, "Good soldier. I like my men tough."
He goes to the next bed and says, "What're you in here for, soldier?"
He says, "Chronic hemmorrhoids, sir."
"And what are you getting for it?"
"Five minutes a day with the wire brush, sir."
"And what's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front as soon as possible, sir."
The general says, "Good soldier. Good soldier."
He goes to the next bed and says, "What're you in here for, soldier?"
He says, "Chronic gum disease, sir."
"And what are you getting for it?"
"Five minutes a day with the wire brush, sir."
"And what's your ambition?"
"To get that fucking brush before those other two guys."


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What would you call a Jewish vagina?
A can't.

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Guiseppi's an old lumberjack.
He walks into a garden store and says, "Everybody, they keep-a say, ?Guiseppe, you gotta get-a you a chainsaw. You gotta get-a you a chainsaw, make-a you job much-a more easy. It make your job much-a more easy.' "
The salesman sells him a chainsaw.
A few days later Guiseppi walks back into the store and says, "This-a chainsaw no make-a Guisseppi job-a no more easy. It no make-a Guiseppi job-a no easy."
The salesman figures maybe it's not working, so he pulls the cord and starts it up, "Vrrrooommm!"
Guiseppi says, "Whats-a that noise?"

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A girl's in a clothing store.
She walks up to a salesman and says, "Can I try on that bikini in the window?"
He says, "Why not? It'd probably be great for business."


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A white guy sees a black guy's dick at the urinal next to him, and he says, "I sure wish I had one like yours."
The black guy says, "You can. Just tie a string around it, put the string down your pants leg, and hang a weight on the end of the string. You'll have one like mine in no time."
A few weeks later, they meet again.
The black guy says, "So how's it working?"
The white guy says, "Great...I'm half way there."
The black guy says, "What do you mean?"
The white guy says, "It's black."

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A college kid says to his friend, "I fucked my roommate in the ass last night."
His friend says, "No shit?"
He says, "A little."

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A guy goes into a used clothing store looking for a suit, and the salesman is a little old Hasidic Jew, in a long black robe and a big hat, with a big beard and pais.
The Hasidim holds up a suit to the guy and says, "It's such a nice suit."
The guy says, "No, it isn't right."
The Hasidim holds up another suit, and says, "What a lovely suit."
The guy says, "No, this one isn't right, either."
The Hasidim holds up another suit.
He says, "This is the perfect suit for you. What a fantastic suit this is. This suit is you."
The guy says, "Yeah, it's a nice suit. I like it. But..."
And he takes a few deep whiffs.
He says, "It's a nice suit, but it smells."
The Hasidim says, "Take the suit. The smell is me."


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Hawthorne says to Woods, "Wow, this babe I was with last night was wild. She blows you, and while she's blowing you, she sticks two fingers in your asshole."
Woods says, "Jeez ... if a girl did that to me, I don't think I'd be able to concentrate enough to really enjoy it. I think I'd have to tell her to stop blowing me."


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What's the difference between being hungry and being horny?
Where you put the cucumber.

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How can you tell if you've been fucking your girl too much?
Stick your thumb up her snatch and your middle finger in her asshole and snap your fingers.
If you can hear it, leave her alone for twenty-four to thirty-six hours.

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What do you call it when you have anal sex with your father's sister?
Up the ante.



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Zebrowski calls the hospital and says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor! You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"
The nurse says, "Please calm down, sir. Is this her first child?"
Zebrowski says, "No! This is her husband!"


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My ex-wife ... what as asshole.
... and her tits weren't bad, either.

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A guy goes up to the drugstore counter and says, "I need some condoms and some pesticide."
The girl says, "Don't you mean spermicide?"
He says, "No, I mean pesticide. My wife has a bug up her ass and I'm goin' in after it."




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for the kids:

Who should you go to if you're lost in the woods?
The werewolf.

What's big and grey and goes around and around?
An elephant in a washing machine.

Why'd the dog go, "Moo?"
He was learning a new language.

What would you call a carrot who talks back to his mother?
A fresh vegetable.

The teacher says, "Johnny, can you name six wild animals?"
Johnny says, "Sure. Four elephants and two lions."


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What're the first words Alexander Graham Bell would have said
if his first success with his telephone had occurred on Fire Island?
"Watson, come here, I want to blow you."





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Hoffman marries a girl, and they go on their honeymoon. He leaves the room the first night to go down to the lobby to get a pack of cigarettes. When he gets back, his bride is lying on the bed naked fucking one of the bellhops. Another bellhop is under her, getting her in the ass. She's sucking off the desk clerk, and she's jerking off a cab driver and the concierge.
Hoffman says, "What the fuck are all these jag-offs doing in here?"
She says, "Well, you always knew I was a flirt."

[rad]

very good