Wednesday lols

[14inches]

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Cappazoli and Beccarino are sitting across the bar from two old drunks.
Cappazoli says, "That's us in ten years."
Beccarino says, "That's a mirror, you asshole."

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An old couple goes into a porno theatre, they watch the movie twice, and they don't get up to leave until the theater's ready to close.
As they're walking by, the usher says, "You folks must've really enjoyed the show."
The little old lady says, "It was dis-gusting."
The old guy says, "It was re-volting."
The usher says, "Then why'd you sit through it twice?"
The little old lady says, "Well, we had to wait until you turned on the house lights. We couldn't find my panties, and his teeth were in 'em."


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Kim Kardashian walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Hey, Kim ... did you know there's a drink named after you?"
Kim says, "Really? You have a drink called 'A Vapid Greedy Twat?' "


What'd the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt.

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What would you call an Native American terrorist?
Bin-Drinkin'.


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A pile of vomit goes into a bar and orders a beer. After a few beers, the pile of vomit starts to weep.
The bartender says, "What's going on?"
The pile of vomit says, "I'm feeling a little sentimental. This is where I was brought up."


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Schneider's shopping with his wife when he picks up a case of beer that's on sale and puts it in the shopping cart.
His wife says, "Put that back."
As she's walking down the next aisle, Schneider's wife stops and picks up a big jar of face cream.
He says, "What's that for?"
She says, "It makes me pretty."
Schneider says, "So's the beer. And that's on sale."


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How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?
Just Juan.



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An old guy's teaching his grandson how to jerk off.
After a few minutes, the kid says, "Grampa, this ain't so great."
Grampa says, "Wait 'til it's your dick."


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Dirty Johnny walks into the bathroom as his mother's coming out of the shower.
Johnny points between her legs and says, "What's that, ma?"
She says, "That's my beaver."
A little while later, Johnny walks into the bathroom as his grandmother's coming out of the shower.
Johnny points between her legs and says, "What's that, Grandma?"
His grandmother says, "That's my beaver."
Johnny walks into the kitchen and he has a sad look on his face.
His mother says, "What's wrong, Johnny?"
He says, "I think there's something wrong with Grandma's beaver."
His mother says, "Why do you think that?"
He says, "Because it's tongue is hanging out."

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Where's a female pilot sit?
The cuntpit.


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A woman's walking down the sidewalk.
A guy coming the other way says, "Hey, lady, there's a tampon hanging out of your mouth."
She says, "Fuck. What'd I do with my cigarette?"


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A lady walks into a very expensive Persian rug store. She spots the perfect rug, walks over to inspect it, and as she bends over to feel the texture, she rips a whopper of a fart. She looks behind her to see if anybody heard it, and all seems fine, but when she turns back around, there's a salesman standing right next to her.
She says, "Umm ... how much does this rug cost?"
He says, "Lady, if you farted just from touching it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price."


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Why'd Jerry Sandusky decide not to apply for a job as a lifeguard?
He found out the kids had to be drowning before he could kiss them.

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Minervini says to Rosegarten, "I went home with a hermaphrodite last night."
Rosegarten says, "How was it?"
Minervini says, "It sucked. Every time I went to eat some pussy, I got poked in the eye. It was like drinking a cup of coffee with a spoon in it."


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The clown gets up in front of the kids, puts his hand in his pocket and says, "If any of you can guess what I've got in my pocket, you'll win a prize."
A kid in the front says, "Is it candy, mister?"
The clown says, "No, it's not candy."
Another kid says, "Is it money, mister?"
The clown says, "No, it ain't money, either."
Another kid says, "Well, what is it, then?"
The clown says, "It's my cock."
Nelson grabs the clown, drags him into the kitchen and says, "What the hell was that? These kids are seven years old."
The clown says, "Hey, I'm really sorry. I usually do my show at nightclubs. I'm hungover, and I accidentally went into the wrong routine. It won't happen again."
Nelson says, "It better not or I'll call the police. Now get back in there and entertain those kids. They all love you."
The clown gets back up in front of the kids and says, "Okay, kids, let's start all over again. If any of you can guess what I've got in my pocket, you'll win a prize."
A kid says, "Is it candy, mister?"
The clown says, "No, it's not candy."
Another kid says, "Is it money, mister?"
The clown says, "No, it ain't money, either."
Another kid says, "Well, what is it, then?"
The clown looks over at Nelson and says, "You better call the cops. It's my cock again."



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How fat was she?
At the bottom of her pussy they speak Chinese.

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A lady goes to the doctor and says, "My husband sent me here because he says my vagina has an odor. But but I bent wayyyy over and took a bigggg whiff, and I don't smell nothin'."
The doctor examines her, and then says, "Lady, you definitely need an operation."
She says, "On my vagina?"
He says, "No, on your nose."


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A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps horseshit all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horseshit, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She says, "You want tomato sauce on it? We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."


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Why'd the Polish terrorist go to the zoo?
To take some ostriches.

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Bartlett's always farting as loud as he can in bed, and it's driving his poor wife crazy.
She says, "Bartlett, one of these times you're gonna be sorry. One of these nights you're going to blow your guts out."
One afternoon Mrs. Bartlett's in the butcher shop, she sees some chicken livers on sale, and gets an idea. She buys a pound of the chicken livers, then goes home and hides them under the bed. That night, she waits until Bartlett blasts away a few times. Then she reaches under the bed, grabs a handful of chicken livers, and throws them between the sheets.
She jumps up and screams, "God damn it, Bartlett, look! Look what you've done!"
Bartlett sees the livers, scoops them up, and runs into the bathroom. A few minutes later, he staggers out, looking really shaky.
His wife says, "I told you one day you were gonna blow your guts out!"
Bartlett lifts one of his hands and says, "Yep. And if it weren't for the grace of God and these two fingers, I'd have never got 'em back in again."


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. Mrs. Hammond reads that if a husband and wife talk dirty to each other, it can revive a sagging sex life.
That night in bed, she rolls over and whispers, "Talk dirty to me."
Hammond says, "Fuck you."


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A forest ranger's talking to a group of campers.
He says, "Bear attacks are rare, but they do happen. We suggest that you wear bells around your ankles. If a bear hears that, he'll run off to avoid any conflict with humans. And in case that doesn't work, I have a can of pepper mace for each of you, to spray in the bear's eyes if one should one attack you. That'll send him scurrying. Now, there are two types of bears in these woods, brown bears and grizzly bears. If you run across a pile of bear shit, it's good to know if it belongs to a brown bear or a grizzly. A brown bear's shit usually has berries and undigested fur in it. A grizzly bear's shit has bells and pepper mace cans in it."



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What's the difference between a rhinoceros and The Lawrence Welk Orchestra?
The rhinoceros has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

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Mrs. Ginsberg walks into her son's apartment unexpectedly and her daughter-in-law's on the couch totally naked. Soft music's playing, and the room smells of perfume.
She says, "What're you doing?"
Her daughter-in-law says, "I?m waiting for Seth to come home from work."
She says, "Why are you naked?"
Her daughter-in-law says, "I call this my love dress. It's Seth's favorite. It makes him crazy. Whenever he sees me in this dress, he can't get his clothes off fast enough."
When she gets home, Mrs. Ginsberg undresses, puts on a romantic CD, sprays some perfume, and lays on the couch waiting for her husband to get home. Finally, Ginsberg walks in, and there's his wife, sprawled out, totally nude.
He says, "What're you doing?"
She says, "This is my love dress."
He says, "It needs ironing. What stinks? And what?s for dinner?"



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A guy with three eyes, no arms, and one leg is hitchhiking.
A British guy pulls over, rolls down the window, and says, "Aye, aye, aye! You look 'armless! 'op in!"


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What's a donut maker get when he jerks off to close to the fire?
Krispy Kreme.

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A guy brings a girl home from the bar, he goes down on her, and it smells really foul. But he's determined to stay down there. Suddenly she blasts a whopper of a fart into his face. He keeps eating way, and a few minutes later she rips another huge fart in his face.
After a while she says, "Are you all right down there?"
He says, "Sure, as long as you keep pumping that fresh air."


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A cop pulls a guy over and says, "Have you been drinking?"
The guy says, "Why? Is there a big fat pig sitting next to me?"


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Mrs. Oates is about to go into surgery.
She says, "Doc, how long after my operation before I can have sex?"
The doctor says, "You know, Mrs. Oates, you're the first person who ever asked me that before a tonsillectomy."


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Haberman runs into a bar with the front of his pants open.
He says to the bartender, "Quick, throw a scoop of ice in here ... I've got a homo in the alley who likes it on the rocks."


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A doctor prescribes a very powerful laxative for Mr. Johnson, one pill every four hours. But Mr. Johnson gets confused and takes four pills every hour.
The next morning, his son yells, "Ma! Pop's in the bathroom dead!"
She yells back, "I know. I'll call the undertaker as soon as he stops shitting."



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for the kids:

What's an astronaut's favorite meal?
Launch.

What's Santa Claus's favorite type of sandwich?
Peanut butter & jolly.

Why'd Melvin put on a bathing suit for his first day of school?
He heard he was going to be in a car pool.

What do you get when you cross a crocodile with a rose?
I don't know, either, but if I were you, I wouldn't bend over to smell it.

What's big and grey and has six legs, three ears, four tusks, and two trunks?
An elephant with spare parts.


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A rabbi and a priest get in an accident. They both get out of their cars, call the police, and as they're looking at the damage they start up a conversation and get friendly.
The rabbi goes in his trunk and gets out a bottle of wine, opens it up, hands it to the priest, and says "Here, have a drink, my friend."
The priest takes a big swig and passes it back to the rabbi.
The rabbi says, "No, none for me. I'm going to wait for the police."



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Raniolo says to his doctor, "Doc, you gotta help me. Every morning I wake up and fuck my wife. I car pool with the neighbor's wife, and on the way to work she gives me a blow job. Whenever I go into the xerox room, I bang one of the office girls. At lunch, I take my secretary to a hotel and fuck her in her ass, because that's the way she likes it. During the afternoon coffee break, I fuck the boss's wife. Then I go home and the maid either sucks my cock or bends over so I can give it to her doggie style. And then at night, I fuck my wife again."
The doctor says, "So what's your problem?"
He says, "It hurts when I jerk off."