 Naughty jokes
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
A: The Atlantic Coast would never have that many crabs.
- Why do women pierce their belly buttons?
It's a good place to hang an air freshner!
- Ladies, what's the difference between getting a divorce
and getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
- What's the true definition of trust?
Two cannibals having oral sex.
- A man comes home from work, walks into his bedroom
and finds a man having sex with his wife.
He asks, "What the hell are you doing?" His wife turns to the
man and says, "See, I told you he was stupid! "
- If the dove is the Bird of Peace, what is the Bird of True Love?
The swallow!
A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"
A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come" and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:
'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'
'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had the same procedure done some time ago.'
'And what about the third rose?' she asked.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or
embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural
desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or
perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar
for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few
personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out -- while he's
gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or
perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back
when he's ready.
Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.
Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation
and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that
whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.. A
great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's
additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could
potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair
and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts
as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in
her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much
of it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen"
Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank
of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry,
then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)
There were three babies in a woman's stomach, and they were discussing what they would like to be when birthed and grown up.
The first one said "I wanna be a plumber."
The others laughed at this, and asked "why a plumber?"
He replied, "so I can fix the pipes in here, its kinda leaky."
The second one said "I wanna be an electrician."
The others laughed at this and asked "why an electrician?"
He replied, "so I can get some lights in here, its dark!"
The third one said "I wanna be a boxer."
The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full 5 minutes, before asking, "why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"
He replied, "so I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us!"
There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away.
There were two city gals and one farm gal.
The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.
Well the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, the rhythm method. That will work said the counselor if you keep a good record.
He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. I plan on using birth control pills she said. Again he said, yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them.
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, the pail and saucer, method. After a short delay, he again told her that should also work.
He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.
Well the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied that she used the rhythm method, but somehow got her notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.
He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, the birth control pill but we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.
He turns to the farm gal and told her that I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.
She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him.
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