Monday lols

[14inches]

There was a young sailor named Bates
Who danced the fandango on skates.
But a fall on his cutlass
Has rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don?t have a good partner, you?d better have a good hand.

Three Hillbillies Billy Bob, Joe Bob and James Earl are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze. 1st Hillbilly Billy Bob says: 'My wife sure is stupid!... She bought an air conditioner..' 2nd Hillbilly Joe Bob says: 'Why is that stupid?' 1st Hillbilly Billy Bob says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!' 2nd Hillbilly Joe Bob says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!' 1st Hillbilly Billy Bob says: 'Why is that so stupid?' 2nd Hillbilly Joe Bob says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!' 3rd Hillbilly James Earl says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wives put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.' 1st and 2nd Hillbillies Billy Bob and Joe Bob both say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?' 3rd Hillbilly James Earl says: 'She ain't got no pecker.'

Vibrator: Device used by an expectant mother during pregnancy which makes the baby stutter when it starts to talk.

Two lesbians walk into a House of Ill Repute. They ask for the youngest woman in the joint. The Madame says that she will not allow the youngest girl any time with them. The lesbians make the demand again, "We want the youngest girl here!" The madam says, "No. I don't serve minors to lickers."

My wife said she won't perform oral sex on me any more and I asked why. She said last time she did she got food poisoning from eating meat that has been hanging for 50 years!

"Mom, hey, Mom! Lennie passed his bar exam so we're going to get married next week!" The bride-to-be was ecstatic. "Gee, Jill, don't you think you two should wait till he's been practicing for a year or so?" cautioned her mother. "Oh Mom," said the bride with a blush, "we've been practicing."

After her OB-GYN appointment, my wife told me, "My gynocologist said I can't have sex for two weeks!" So I asked her, "Well, what did your dentist say?"

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm of royal blood and an I. Q. of 165, I'd like to make a donation". The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a provate room. 20 minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?" "I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?" The nurse replied, "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..." She gets on her knees and begins to blow him. "I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"

A new airline linking Geneva with Milan, Rome and Naples will be called Genitalia?

"My but you look different today Claudia." commented Rene to her co-worker. "Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did you use -- special curlers and some dramatic eye make-up ?" "No !" replied Claudia. "My damn vibrator shorted out this morning."

Girl to boy: "I know you really look like Napoleon Bonaparte." "Great, isn't it?" "Yes, but you differ in one aspect from him." "And that is?" "You have to put your hand in your own blouse."