Wednesday lols

[14inches]

I once had a lady friend, Rose.
Double-jointed she was, I suppose.
And I watched, fascinated,
As Rose masturbated;
Herself with the tip of her nose

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I screwed a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?

What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey? Well 99 times out of one hundred, you get an onion with long ears. But one time out of a hundred, you get a piece of ass that will make your eyes water.

Did you hear about the girl chasing the boy around the church? She caught him by the organ!

A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress. "You can't wear white.", reminds the sales clerk, "You've been married three times already." "Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride. "Impossible", says the sales clerk. "Unfortunately not", the bride explained. "My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector. God I miss him"

You know you're leading a sad life when a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for vibrators when the clerk said, "Perhaps you might be interested in this one. It's our most realistic model." The woman said, "You mean it's shaped exactly like a man's penis?" "No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five minutes it goes soft for the rest of the night."

Sign in a lesbian bar: "Save a tree. Eat a beaver."

A while back, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home. I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail, Lobster Patron, Champagne, and all. I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?" "No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a bj tonight." I said, "Would you care for dessert?"

What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot? "How come?"

Bambi the blonde celebrated her 40th birthday with a makeover. She went to the best plastic surgeon in town and got a boob lift, a tummy tuck, butt implants, botox, collagen... the works. Ten weeks and thousands of dollars later, she was a new woman -- literally. Her personal physician then performed her annual physical, noted the new "body work." When the exam was finished, he called her in. "Bambi, your overall health is good, but I want to discuss a problem that often affects women your age, osteoporosis." Bambi looked puzzled. "Osteo--what?" "Bone loss. Many women start to experience it in their 40s." Bambi giggled, blushed and said, "Oh, really, Doc. You've seen me naked. Trust me, with this body and this face, I get new bones quite often!"

Johnny got kicked out of math class again. The Teacher asked him what comes after 69. Apparently, 'mouthwash' was the wrong answer!