Sunday lols

[14inches]

The Perfect Man
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company.

He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!" An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

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LIVING WILL
A Living Will Is Important To Relationships - My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state,

dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." My wife got up, unplugged the TV then went to the refrigerator and threw

out all of my beer.

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Lecture
Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor

decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies." The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.

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60 Years Of Marital Bliss?
A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age.

The husband responded, "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions."
At which point the wife took up the tale, "And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."

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County Fair
A man takes his wife to a livestock show. They start heading down the alley where the bulls are kept. A sign in front of the first bull says: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year! You could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and that sign states: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That's over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, big time." They proceed to the last bull and his sign reads: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open as she gasps, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That's ONCE A DAY!

You could really learn from this one!" The man turns to his wife and says, "Yeah, okay. Go on up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

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Fly a Kite
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, and then it comes crashing back down to earth. He

tries this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail" The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you

told me to go fly a kite."
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Sex among the elderly
An older couple go to the Doc, he asks the husband if sex is still good and if he has any questions. "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife I am usually

hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly." Surprised he can still do it twice, the Doc then sees the wife. After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is in mid-January.

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Lets talk about it
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Eventually, they decided it might be time to discuss marriage. But before tying the knot, they went out for a heart to heart talk over dinner about whether or not it would really work out. They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring and so on. Finally the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship : "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, somewhat anxiously." Well" she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then looking over his glasses, he casually asked "Was that one word or two ?"

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Sunday Breakfast
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?

They're going to STICK! Careful, CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
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Horse?
A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly, he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding a frying pan in hand.

Man: "What was that for?"

Wife: "Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with "Daisy" written on it?"

Man: "Oh honey, don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Daisy was the name of the horse I bet on." The wife was satisfied, and apologized for

bonking him. Three days later he is again sitting reading the paper when once again he is bonked on the head.

Man: "What's that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse called."

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Humour Just for Women
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."

What's the quickest way to a man's heart? Straight through the rib cage.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A power failure.

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GST STANDS FOR?
A husband goes home and says to his wife, Do you know what GST stands for?"

She says, "No."

He says, "It means Good Sex Tonight ."
She says, "Oh, really."
He says, "Yeah, what are my chances?"
She says "About 7%
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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said.

"You, just get the hell out."
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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.