Thursday lols

[14inches]

Instead of studying for the last exam of their college careers, four
seniors spent the night partying in the house they had rented off
campus.
The next morning they waited until the test would be almost finished,
and then made their way to class. Along the way
they all put grease on their hands to support the story they were going
to tell their professor.
The class was almost done with the exam, when all four seniors burst
into the room. They report to the professor that they had a flat tire
along the way and could they please retake the test? The professor said
that he was a reasonable
man, so he scheduled a test date for the following week.
Their plan had worked! They studied diligently for the next week, making
the most of their time. The day of the make-up came, and they were ready
for anything. Each senior was placed alone in a separate classroom for
the test.
The first question, worth 5 points, was easy. The second question was
worth 95 points, and it simply read, "Which
tire?"
__________

Kevin and Derek head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short
on time, they decide to play only 9 holes.
Kevin says to Derek, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at
least for one of us, and spot £5 on the lowest score for the day."
Derek agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Derek is
ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me
find my ball; you look over there," he says to Kevin.
After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries
a four-point penalty, Derek pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it
to the ground. "I've found my
ball!" he announces triumphantly.
Kevin looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends,
you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?"
"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"
"And a liar, too!" Kevin says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've
been standing on your ball for the last five
minutes!"
__________

Working for a Judge in a common pleas court, I saw many criminal
defendants. One man facing drug charges proved unusually helpful.
To determine the exact quantity of the illegal substance allegedly sold,
the judge asked the prosecutor how many grams there are in an ounce.
As both attorneys checked their notes, the defendant, who had not yet
entered his plea, proudly announced, "There are 28.3 grams in an ounce,
your honor."
His attorney advised him to plead guilty.
__________


Three geezers are sitting on a porch in Miami Beach. Suddenly the first
sighs and says, "Gentlemen, isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age
that I can afford the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have
to eat ground or soft foods."
The second answers, "Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an
age where I can buy the finest wines, champagne but what? Ulcers, I have
to drink milk."
The third sighs loudly and adds, "Gentlemen, I know exactly what you
mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged my wife and asked her if she's
interested. She screams at me, "What is wrong with you Sam? We just got
finished doing it for the second time tonight!"
After a long pause the first man says, "So what is your problem?"
The third one grunts and says, "Can't you see? My memory is going."
__________


Sadie was divorcing her husband Moshe. After two months of waiting, her
case was finally being heard in Court.
The judge asked Sadie, "So how old are you?"
"I'm 45 years old, your Honor."
The judge replied, "Please answer my question honestly. How old are
you?"
"I'm 45 years old, your Honor," answered Sadie again.
"Well," said the judge, "you're not being truthful. It's written down
here that you were born in August 1940 and that means you're almost 65."
"But your Honor," replied Sadie, "I'm not counting the last 20 years
with my husband."
"Why not?" asked the judge.
"You call that living?" replied Sadie.



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1
"Rim Shot"
Q: What does a Jewish woman say just before she has an orgasm?
A: "Sorry Mom, but I have to hang up now!
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2
On the last day of his French class, Professor Lint goes over the final exam. "The exam will test your comprehension. It'll be divided into two parts: a multiple choice exam, and an oral exam.

Heather realizes that she needs to do well on the final exam, or she won't graduate.

After class, Heather meets Professor Lint in his office.

"Professor Lint," she says in a sexy voice, "I don't think I'm going to pass the class and I was hoping you could help me out."

Pretty soon, Heather and the professor are making love in his office.

Afterward, Heather asks "How's my comprehension?"

"So far so good," the professors says, "but you need to come back tomorrow at noon."

"What's tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow," Professor Lint says "is the oral part of the exam."
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3
A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and
everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.
"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife
ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the
past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of
whom were over thirty years old."

"My goodness Frank, and at your age too." the doctor said. "I hope
you took at least some precautions."
"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I gave 'em all a
phony name
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[14inches]

Mall Disease

I'm suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. I go to the mall and forget
where I parked my car.

Useless Things

Did you know that a man is made up of many useless things?

He has an Adam’s apple that isn’t an apple...
Two calves that will never become cows...
A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere...
A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything...
Twenty nails that won’t hold a board...
A chest that won’t hold linen...
Two tits that won’t give milk...
Two buns that won't feed anyone...
A belly button that won’t button...
Two balls that won’t roll...
An ass that won’t pull a plow...
An organ that won’t play music...

and

A cock that won’t crow...

By the way, what you ladies s******ing at?
You have a pussy that won't mew!

Proud

"Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said the modish young lady.

"What's to be proud?" asked the old man.

"I noticed that when you sneeze you've learned to put your hand in
front of your mouth."

"Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth?"
5.37!

That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug
into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that
used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I
started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid
with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of
change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said
cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior
citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong
with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.
Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I
strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front
of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with
utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to
anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the
ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried
another. Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view
mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back
seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten
doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.


Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to
finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt
it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and
churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be
found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the
restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black
nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this
point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,
and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young
lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding
up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my
truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly
apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like
this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I
was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer,
I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I
handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat
in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.

Notice the larger type? That's for those of us who have trouble
reading.

P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate!!!!!

Wrong Pill

A man was suffering from a stomachache, so he told his wife who
suggested he try the tablets the Doctor had given her for a similar
pain. After taking his wife's tablets for a week, the pain disappeared
but he developed two rather tender lumps, one behind each ear. He went
to his doctor, showed him the lumps, and explained what had happened.

Whereby the Doctor called him all the fools under the sun, saying, "You
bloody idiot! I was treating your wife for a fallen womb, God knows how
I'm going to get your balls back down".