Wednesday lols

[14inches]

One Liners and Q & A

Q. Why was Snow White kicked out of Disney Land?

A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio’s face and saying Lie you bastard, lie!'







A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims,



"What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"



A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests,



"I don't know... why don't you play your age?"



He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Thinking maybe she'd won, he rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.



The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.



The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"



The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"

Dave the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage.



Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her was 50 cents and a pair of sneakers.



She refused with disdain.



He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again.



Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively.



He found Mabel and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents and the pair of sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her.



Dave began the amorous act and after a few minutes was pleased to find an arm reaching around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling round his rear. Dave , who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms."



"Don't flatter yourself lover boy," answered Mabel, "I'm just trying on the sneakers."

The administration of this particular elementary school decided to start a more inclusive policy on which words were "bad" words. Among those initiated to the category was "suck" (when not referring to the principle of suction).



One day a child came up to the teacher to inform her that one of the other students had said a bad word.



"What was the bad word he said?" asked the teacher.



"I can't say it."



"It's okay to tell me; you won't get in trouble for it."



"No, it's too bad, I don't want to say it."



"Well I have to know what he said in order to punish him. Can you tell me what it is without saying it?"



"Well... it rhymes with 'fuck'."

The older you are and the longer you have been married, the funnier this is.



The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.

I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff."

She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

An eighteen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"



The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:



"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach Villa and a $1,000, 000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage......."



At this point, the father, who had remained silent all the time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You'll fuck her again!"

Jill, a rather young miss attending St. Mary's Catholic Girls School, was sitting on the sidewalk, smoking a cigarette.



The local priest, walks by and gives her a glare.



"Jill! Smoking at such a young age! Aren't you ashamed?"



"What?" said Jill. "You got something better to do after sex?"

John and Mary had been high school sweethearts, but they never had sex.



"We'll have to wait until we are married," she told him.



So he waits.



They are engaged three years, and finally the big day rolls around. On their wedding night, Mary comes out of the bathroom, and says "I have some bad news. I have my period, and I don't want our first time to be all bloody!"



John says, "You're kidding!"



Mary says, "We'll just have to wait a bit longer."



Mary goes to sleep, and wakes up at 3:00 am to get a drink. On her way back to bed, she notices Johnny wide awake staring at the ceiling.



"There's no use John," she said, "You might as well go to sleep."



"I would, except my dicks so hard there's not enough skin left to close my eyes!"

"Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynecologist trying tocalm the obviously nervous young blonde patient.



"Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he asked.



"Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited!"



The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."



Now the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honour notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited!"



The bride replies "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."

A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby's head pops out.



The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes."



To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try.



The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's body comes out.



"Holy Shit, your baby has a white body," the doctor says.



"Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.



The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out.



"Holy Shit! Your baby has black legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try,"

she said.



So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry.



The doctor turns to the woman and asks, "How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?"



The woman replies "I'm just glad it didn't bark!"

Boudreaux asks the clerk, "Which aisle is de one whar you keeps de Cajun sausage?"



The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Cajun?"



Boudreaux kind of stiffens and says, "Mais yeah. But let me ax you somet'ing. If I had axed for Italian sausage would you ax me if I was Italian? Or if I had axed for German bratwurst, would you ax me if I was German? Or if I axed for a kosher hot dog would you ax me if I was Jewish? Or if I had axed for a Taco would you ax if I was Mexican? Would you? Well, would you?"!



The clerk says, "Well, no!"



With deep self-righteous indignation, Boudreaux says, "Well den, why did you ax me if I'm Cajun, just 'cause I axed for Cajun sausage?"



The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."