Tuesday lols

[14inches]

One Liners and Q & A



Q: Why were lesbians created?

A: So feminists couldn't reproduce!



One day, the Lord decided to make a companion for Adam. He summoned St. Peter and told him of his decision. He told St. Peter that he wanted to make a being who was similar to man, yet was different, and could offer him comfort, companionship and pleasure. The Lord said he would call this being a woman.



So St. Peter went about creating this being which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man. When St. Peter had finished creating this being who could now be called woman he summoned The Lord.



"Ah, St. Peter, once again you have done an excellent job," said The Lord.



"Thank You, Great One," replied St. Peter. "I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to the being, this ..

woman. I require your assistance on this matter, Lord."



"You shall make her brain, slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate, and more adaptable than man's,"

said The Lord.



"The nerve endings," said St. Peter. "How many will I put in her hands?"



"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.



"Two hundred, my Lord," replied St. Peter.



"Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord.



"And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet?"

inquired St. Peter.



"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.



"Seventy five, my Lord," replied St. Peter.



"Ah yes, these beings are constantly on their feet, so they benefit from having less nerve endings there. Do the same for woman," said the Lord.



"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals?" inquired St. Peter.



"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.



"Four hundred and twenty, my Lord," replied St. Peter.



"Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman," said The Lord.



"Yes, my Lord," said St. Peter.



"No, wait," said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten thousand! I want her to scream my name!"



Well....... now you know!



A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.



He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.



"What's going on?" he says.



"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.



He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing 9-1-1, his 4-year old son comes up and says;



"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your clothes closet and he's got no clothes on!"



The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.



"You IDIOT!!!" screams the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked and scaring the kids!"



One year, Johnny's family was having an "extended family" 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was lighting the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state (they're illegal in their state, of course!).



Just before they were to arrive, a cousin called, saying his neighbors' plans had just fallen through and asking if he bring them along to the picnic -- they even had extra food to bring.



"Sure, the more the merrier!"



When the cousin arrived with his neighbors, it was discovered that the head of that family was a police officer.



Johnny's father turned as innocently as he could to his son and whispered to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly.



Johnny disappeared, and the father changed the topic to food for the day. This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father told them the gas grill was all set to use out back -- they just had to turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.



They headed out to the back as Johnny returned through the front door.



The father hurried to him and said, "Whew, that was close! That man's a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"



"Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"



On the first night he pulled his revival meeting tent into the Southern town, Preacher Bob had a full house. After a long, rousing and sweaty revival meeting, Preacher Bob says to the crowd, "Now I know that some of you have been he'in and she'in without the benefit of the sacrament of marriage. Those of you guilty of this grievous sin are not welcome back in this tent until you have gotten right with Jesus."



The next night the revival tent is only half full.



After going through the same long, rousing and sweaty revival meeting, Preacher Bob says to the crowd, "Now I know that some of you have been he'in and he'in without the benefit of the sacrament of marriage. Those of you guilty of this grievous sin are not welcome back in this tent until you have gotten right with Jesus."



The next night the revival tent in only one quarter full.



After going through the long, rousing and sweaty revival meeting the third night, Preacher Bob says to the crowd, "Now I know that some of you have been she'in and she'in without the benefit of the sacrament of marriage. Those of you guilty of this grievous sin are not welcome back in this tent until you have gotten right with Jesus."



The next night there is only one man left in the audience. It was ol' Klem, a middle aged virgin due to his lack of sex appeal, even by hillbilly standards.



Preacher Bob says, "Now brother, you should feel proud that you are still able to come to this tent tonight. I want you to testify! Testify how it is that you are able to join me tonight in this holy tent!"



Klem responds, "Shit preacher, you didn't say nothin' bout me-in and me-in!"

The bar was getting ready to close, so he asked the nearest woman:

What would you say to a little "oral" activity?

"That all depends,..."she quickly responded. Your face, or mine?

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese.

And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be, that one of us is Chinese.

It's either my mom or my dad, my older brother Colin, me or my youngest brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

I think it's Colin.

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.



He hypnotized seven men then dropped the microphone on his foot and yelled, "Fuck me!".

What happened next, will haunt me forever!

Jill goes to the doctor. After examining her thoroughly, the doctor is perplexed.



"I'm not sure what it is," he said. "You either have a bad cold or you're pregnant."



"Oh," says Jill, "I must be pregnant --I don't know anyone who could have given me a cold."

"Let us assume," said the professor, "that you are aboard a small craft alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several thousand sex-starved sailors on board. What would you do in this situation to avoid any problem?"



"I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction," stated the brunette.



"I would pass them, trusting my knife and a bottle of mace to keep me safe," responded the redhead.



"Frankly" murmured the blonde, "I understand the situation, but I fail to see the problem."

A road crew supervisor hired a nice-looking blonde woman to assist with painting the yellow line down the middle of the road. He was skeptical about hiring her, but she appeared enthusiastic and told him that she really needed the job. He explained to her that her work day would be to complete 2 miles of line on her road, and he set her up with her brushes and paint and got her started.



After the first day, he was pleased to find that she did an excellent job and was able to paint 4 miles of road in her 8 hour shift. He told her that she did an excellent job and how pleased he was with her progress.



On the second day, she completed painting 2 miles of road. Her supervisor was surprised that on day one she had completed twice as much work, but did not say anything, as 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure she would pick up her speed again.

On day 3 he was shocked to learn that in her 8 hour shift, she only completed painting 1 mile of road. He called her into his office and asked her what was the problem, "On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. Can I ask you, what is the problem?"



"Well, she replied, I keep getting farther and farther from the paint can."