Monday lols

[14inches]

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A girl goes to the gynecologist for the first time. She's up in the
stirrups, and the doctor notices she's trembling. He says: "You're
nervous, aren't you?"
"Yes, it's my first visit to a gynechologist."
"Would you like me to numb you down there?"
"Oh, yes please."
He sticks his face between her legs and goes: "Num, num, num . . ."
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A drunk stumbled into a doctor's office and said, "Shey, doc, you gotta
help me put my dick back on."
"Where is it?"
"Right here in my pocket."
"That's a cigar."
"Oh my God, doc! I smoked my dick!"
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A woman went to the Governor of Alabama about getting an early release
for her husband who was serving time in a state penitentiary.
" What's is in for ?", asked the Governor.
" For stealing a ham."
" That doesn't sound too bad. Is he a good worker?"
" No, I couldn't say that. He's very lazy."
" Oh...well, he's good to you and the children, isn't he ?"
" No, he is not. He's very mean to us, if you want to know the truth."
" Why would you want a man like that out of prison?"
" Well, Governor, we've been out of ham for quite a spell."
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An elderly and not overly smart man took his very much younger date to
see a movie. Instead of watching the movie though, they are kissing,
hugging and fondling each other. As things are getting more heated by
the
moment the man's very expensive toupee gets knocked off.
Of course, right away he starts trying to find it and in the dark, his
hand accidentally gets in under his date's dress.
She, feeling quite aroused by all the kissing and such, breathes into
his ear "That's it........that's it!". The man thinks for a second and
then replies, "Hell, it couldn't be!
I had mine parted on the side! "
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The dumbest part of a mans body is his penis.....
It hangs out with a couple of nuts,
lives next door to an asshole
and his best friend is a pussy!
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How do you recycle toilet paper?
Hang it on the wall and bash the shit out of it.

What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?
At least when you are eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of
you.

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Life's a bitch - but death is no picnic either
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Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as
his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the
horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad,
why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make
sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny,
looking
worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
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Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in it for a
while... it isn't so hot.
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.
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The 3 tragedies in a man's life:
1- life sucks
2- job sucks
3- Wife does NOT!
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Smoking a cigarette shortens your life by 14 minutes......
However, having sex lengthens it by 12 minutes ......
So smokers ... Screw! Screw for your lives!
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What's the difference between a woman and a volcano?
A volcano never fakes an eruption.
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Grandma is reading a childrens animal book to little Bubba.
This is a pig. What sound does a piggy make? Oink ! Oink! said little
Bubba.
This is a cow and what sound does a cow make? Moo! Moo! said little
Bubba.
This is a ducky and what sound does a ducky make? AFLAC! AFLAC!
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Redneck Motto: Drink until she's beautiful, but if that doesn't work,
put a flag over her head and do it for your country.
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Blonde Moments!

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking along the beach. A
seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde. The brunette says in
a disgusted voice, "Hang on. The bathroom is just up the hill. I'll go
get some toilet paper."
After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead says, "What's
so funny?" The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb
and
look at her! By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that
seagull will be miles away!"
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Why did the blonde pee on the floor?
Because the sign said "wet floor."

How does a blonde moonwalk?
She pulls down her panties and slides her butt along the floor.
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Classic Joke

One night Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife.
"How lovely, dear," she said, "What's the occasion?"

"I want to make love to you" he said simply.

"Not tonight, dear. I have a headache."

The next night, Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and
explained
that he wanted to make love with her.

"I'm awfully tired, honey" said his wife. "Not tonight."

Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but each time his
wife's answer was no. Finally he came home with six black
kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his
wife.

"How adorable, Jerry," she exclaimed. "But what are they for?"

"These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy."