*************
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Cheese Sandwich, five dollars...Chicken Sandwich, six dollars...Hand Job, fifty dollars."
He says to the barmaid, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
She says, "Yeah."
He says, "Wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich."
*************
Why do they call it "The Wonder Bra?"
Because when you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.
****************
A psychiatrist is giving an Adult Education class on sex.
He says, "Let's take a simple survey. How many of you have sex once a day?"
A bunch of people raise their hands.
He says, "How many of you have sex once a week?"
A lot of people raise their hands.
He says, "How many of you have sex once a month?"
A bunch of people raise their hands.
He says, "And how many of you have sex once a year?"
One guy in the back starts jumping up and down, yelling, "Me! Yo! Me! Right here! Me!"
The psychiatrist says, "lf you only have sex once a year, why are you so excited?
The guy says, "Because tonight's the night!"
*************
What's the difference between making love to a girl with arms and making love to a girl without arms?
When you're making love to a girl without arms and it pops out, you have to put it back in.
*************
*************
A housewife's at home when there's a knock on the door.
She opens the door, and a guy says, "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disbelief. After the same thing happens three days in a row, she decides to tell her husband.
He says, "Tomorrow I won't go to work. When the guy comes to the door and asks you if you have a vagina, say ‘yes,' and I'll be hiding behind the door."
The next day the guy knocks on the door again, and when the wife answers it, he
says, "Do you have a vagina?"
She says, "Yes."
He says, "Then please tell your husband to stop fucking my wife."
*************
What's the lesbian motto?
No Penis Between Us.
****************
A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.
He says, "Give me a drink, and one for the road."
*************
for the kids:
What's the difference between toilet paper and toast?
Toast comes up brown on both sides.
Did you hear about the kid who was built upside down?
His nose runs and his feet smell.
An Indian chief has stomach pains because he can't pass any gas.
His squaw goes to see a doctor and says, "Big chief no fart."
The doctor gives her a bottle of pills and says, "Here, give him three of these pills."
The next day she's back again, and she says, "Big chief no fart."
The doctor says, "Give him six of those pills."
vThe next day she's back again, and she says, "Big chief no fart."
The doctor says, "What the hell, give him the whole damn bottle."
The next day she comes back.
She says, "Big fart. No chief."
*************
A woodpecker comes up to New York from San Antonio, and he's pecking like mad at a tree. Suddenly, a lightning bolt strikes the tree and splits it in half.
The woodpecker says, "Damn! It never fails to amaze me how hard my pecker gets when I'm away from home."
*************
*************
A pickle walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, you're a pickle! What are you doing in here?"
The pickle says, "Well for starters, I'm celebrating the fact that I can walk."
*************
I pulled into a town I couldn't believe still existed in the Eighties. A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said "General Store," and that was it. There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair...
I said to him, "What do you folks do around here?"
He said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt n' fuck."
I said, "What do you hunt?"
He said, "Somethin' to fuck."
*************
*************
Two Catholic priests are walking down Fifth Avenue when they see Jesus Christ walking towards them.
The first priest turns to the second priest and says, "Try to look busy."
****************
Hoffman says, "My great grandfather survived the Titanic."
Russell says, "Really? How?"
Hoffman says, "He was in his room fucking an inflatable doll."
*************
Why's an orthodox Jewish girl wear a bikini?
To separate the meat from the milk.
*************
Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer.
One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a big nail into the two-by-four over the cow's stall. You show him where it is."
The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she sees the nail.
She says, "This is the one, right here."
The man says, "How do you know?"
Amy says, "By the nail over its stall."
The man says, "What's the nail for?"
Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
*************
The undertaker goes up to the widow and says, "How old was he?"
She says, "Ninety-eight, just two years older than me."
The undertaker says, "Hardly worth going home, isn't it?"
*************
It's a couple's twentieth anniversary. They go to the same motel and get the same room as their honeymoon night. She takes off her clothes, lies down on the bed, and spreads her legs. And he starts to cry.
She says, "What's the matter?"
He says, "Twenty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it, and now it looks like it can't wait to eat me."
*************
Why do Jewish guys watch porno movies backwards?
Because they like the part where the hooker gives the money back.
*************
Two gay guys are on a picnic.
The first guy says, "I have to take a dumpski", and he walks into the woods to do it.
A few minutes later, the other guy hears the first guy whimpering, "Boo-hoo...I had a miscarriage. I had a miscarriage."
He goes running into the woods to see what's going on.
When he gets there, the first guy is still crying, "Boo-hoo. I had a miscarriage. I had a miscarriage."
The other guy looks down and says, "Don't be silly. You didn't have a miscarriage. You had diarrhea on a frog."
****************
Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts at the same time.
Who's the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
The girl who can eat the last donut.
****************
One sperm says to the other sperm, "How far is it to the ovary?"
The other sperm says, "Relax. We haven't even passed the tonsils yet."
****************
The director of the CIA has to test three new agents, a 25-year-old, a 35-year-old, and a 45-year-old. He puts each of their wives in a different room.
He hands the 25-year-old a gun and says, "Go into the room and kill your wife."
The 25-year-old says, "I can't do it. I love her too much."
The director hands the gun to the 35-year-old and says, "Go into the room and kill your wife."
The 35-year-old goes into the room, comes out after five minutes, and says, "I can't do it."
The director hands the gun to the 45-year-old and says, "Go into the room and kill your wife."
The 45-year-old goes into the room. Three shots ring out, and then there's the sound of scuffling and fighting. The director runs into the room and sees the wife dead on the floor.
He says, "What happened?"
The 45-year-old says, "Some asshole put blanks in the gun, so I had to choke her to death."
****************
Where do porn stars go to college?
Fuck U.
****************
Harry and his wife are having hard times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.
She's not sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"
She says, "A hundred dollars."
He says "Shit. All I've got is thirty."
She says, "Hold on."
She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"
Harry says, "A hand job."
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a huge cock.
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."
She runs back around the corner and says, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"
*************
What did the NYC Cop say after Jesus was crucified?
"All right, let's go. Shows over, move along, there's nothing to see here, come on, let's go."
*************
A guy's fingering his girlfriend.
She says, "Would you take off your ring? It's hurting me."
He says, "That's not my ring. It's my wristwatch."
*************
When does a blind man know when he's done wiping?
The toilet paper doesn't stick to his forehead.
*************
Why do the Polish people bury their dead with their butts sticking out of the ground?
So the visitors will have a place to park their bikes when they visit the cemetery.
So when the relatives come to picnic at the grave, they've got a place to put the napkins.
*************
A cab driver picks up a nun.
She gets in the back seat, and he looks in the rearview mirror.
He says, "You know, sister, "I've always fantasized about being with a nun."
She says, "Yeah, you and everybody else."
She says, "Are you Catholic?"
He says, "Why, yes I am."
She says, "Pull over."
He pulls over, she gets in the front seat, and she gives him the best blowjob he's ever had.
She gets done, and he feels a little guilty.
He says, "Sister, I gotta tell you somethin'. I'm not really Catholic."
She says, "Yeah? Well, my name's Ralph, and I'm going to a costume party."
*************
A big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, "Come here quick, Charlie! I'm paralyzed! I can't get up!"
He comes in, takes a look, and says, "Stand up, you silly old bat. You're kneeling on one of your tits."
*************
*************
A Mexican asks another Mexican, "Pedro, eef you found a wallet with a meellion dollars in it, would you return it?"
Pedro says, "Eef I thought they was poor people I would."
***************
It's Freeman's first day at the nudist colony, and he's more than a little shy, so he's walking around holding a magazine over his genitals.
Another guy walks up to him and says, "I wish I could teach mine to read."
*************
A guy's in the doctor's office for an exam.
The doctor says, "There's a piece of lettuce sticking out of your ass."
The guy says, "That's just the tip of the iceberg."
****************
Jerkowicz and Stukowski are on a camel, traveling through the desert, dying of thirst, and finally come to an oasis.
Jerkowitz and Stukowski drink up and get refreshed, but the camel refuses to take a drink.
Jerkowitz says, "I've got an idea. You hold the camel's head under water, and I'll suck on his asshole and try to draw some water up into his mouth."
Stukowski dunks the camel's head under the water and Jerkowitz starts sucking like mad on his asshole. After a few minutes, Jerkowitz yells, "Raise his head a little. All I'm getting is mud from the bottom."
*************
A couple's trying to come up with ideas how to save money.
The husband says, "If you'd learn how to cook, we could get rid of the maid."
His wife says, "If you'd learn how to fuck, we could get rid of the flagpole."
*************
Two Jews are walking along when they see a sign that says, "Attention, Jews...five thousand dollars if you convert."
The first guy says, "Five thousand dollars is a lot of money."
The other guy says, "Your grandfather was a Rabbi, and your entire family is so religious, they would never forgive you."
The first guy says, "I could use the money, and they'll never know."
So he goes in, and after a few hours he comes out.
The other guy says, "Did you get the money?"
He says, "You Jews, always thinking about money."
*************
A little girl's walking her dog, when a priest comes up and says, "Hello, little girl. What's your name?"
She says, "Rose Petal."
He says, "That's a nice name."
She says, "Yeah. When I was a little baby a rose petal fell on my head, and my daddy's called me Rose Petal ever since."
The priest says, "That's so nice. Is this your doggy?"
She says, "Yeah."
The priest says, "What's his name?"
She says, "Porky."
He says, "Oh, I guess he likes to eat pork."
She says, "No. He likes to fuck pigs."
********************
Wednesday lols 
Linear Mode
