Wednesday lol's

[14inches]

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife,
pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid
of your control top panty hose." While this was on the edge of
intolerable, she kept silent. The next morning the man woke his wife
with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed
these up, we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent
response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a
death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we
could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the vibrator and your
brother!"

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mum", he asked, "are these my brains?" "Not yet," she replied .

A well dressed man went into a bar ordered a double whiskey. He stood
there sipping his drink when another man came up and said "Is that you
Pete??" Pete said "My name is Pete, but I don`t think I know you" The
second man said "You do, it`s me, Martin we used to work at the same
factory together before it closed down" Pete said "Now I remember you,
but what happened to you? You are all in scruffy clothes. We got good
redundancy money when we finished. What happened Martin??" Martin said
"I blew it all on cars women and drink. I'm totally broke now, but
look at you Pete. All in the best clothes and I've seen your posh car
outside. How did you do it??" Pete said "Well I wanted to make my
money work for me. So I thought if you have some money, London is the
best place to do that. I bought a three story house. On the first
floor there was ordinary sex - just men and woman. On the second floor
homo sex - you know, men shagging men-, and on the third floor
paedophile sex for them who like shagging children. I must say I made
a fortune. Mind you it was hard work: just me, the wife and the kids."

The assistant in a morgue comes running up to the head corpse cleaner
and says "Master, master! The woman I'm cleaning has a clitoris just
like a shrimp" The master cleaner is somewhat intrigued and goes to
see. After careful examination he says "No, son, that's just normal."
"Oh well," the assistant says. "But it tasted just like shrimp."

A man who spends the night at a gay bar will wake up with a queer
taste in his mouth.

Mary completed four weeks of dental restoration with Dr. Morris Cohen
the dentist. She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in
love with her dentist …and she was going to propose to him. Her friend
said, ” Mary, your 38 years old, your beautiful, you have dozens of
men that adore you. Why this dentist? ” “Because he is the First man
that ever said to me, " Spit, don’t swallow. ”

What do you call a condom in a nursing home? Software. (Robert Ford)

A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her
first visit home since starting university. "Mum, I have to tell you,"
the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend." "I'm not
surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later.
I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience." "Well, yes
and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight guys felt
great, but after them my pussy got really sore."

Men like love at first sight. It saves them a lot of time.

A man and his wife were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.
The wife says to her husband, "We've been married so long, sweetheart,
I hope you feel you can ask me anything you want. After all this time
I want us to be completely open in our relationship." The husband
replies, "Okay, there is one thing that has been bothering me for a
long time, but I haven't had the courage to ask before, but I have
noticed that all six of our children look similar to one another
except one. I can't figure out how he got to look so different. Did he
have a different father than the rest?" The wife stops. She is unable
to look her husband in the eyes. Slowly she replies, "Yes. Yes he did
have a different father." Her husband was taken aback. "Oh! Okay, I
must know. Please tell me. Who was that child's father?" Again she
cannot look her husband in the eyes. She is very distressed, and after
a long silence she slowly said, "YOU!"

Sign on door to sperm bank: Please Cum Inside

Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was shaking his head.
"What's the matter?" inquired the bartender. "While I was in the
bathroom back there, I noticed among the scribbling on the wall, and
one that said: WENDY GIVES REALLY FABULOUS HEAD - ABSOLUTELY THE
GREATEST B. J. IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!" replied the customer. "Ah
buddy, I wouldn't give it a second thought, we get jerks in here like
anywhere else," said the bartender. "I know," continue the headshaker.
"One of them has scratched out the phone number!"