Tuesdays lols

[14inches]

One Liners and Q & A



Don't miss today worrying about tomorrow.



I think, therefore we have nothing in common.



With my life I could be on all of Oprah's shows.



Q: What's the difference between toilet paper and toast?

A: Toast is brown on both sides.



Q: Did you hear about the Polish porno flick?

A: It's called: " Debbie does nothing. "



Computers help us to do stupid things faster.



Welcome to California. Now Go Home.



Q) What's the similarity between eating a juicy pussy and the Mafia?



A) One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit!



Our forefathers guaranteed us the right to the pursuit of happiness.

They should have given us a few clues as to where to look.



My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom



If you always take time to stop and smell the roses sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.



Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.



Q: Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?

A: Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?



Q: What is 60 foot long and stinks of piss?

A: A conga in an old people's home!



Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer





A third grade teacher asked her students to, one by one, stand in

front of the class and tell what their Daddy's do.



Little Mary went first,



"My daddy is a doctor and he saves people's lives"



"That's wonderful Mary. Now how about you Jane,

what does your daddy do?"



"My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail," says Jane



"Very good Jane. Ok Johnny, what does your daddy do?"



"My daddy is dead" says Johnny



"Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that Johnny," said the teacher,

"what did he do before he died?"



"He turned blue and shit on the carpet"



Bob goes on a blind date with this Canadian chick named Cindy.

Later, after dinner and a movie, Cindy invites Bob up to her

apartment to fool around.



She reclines on the couch, spreads her legs and says,

"Stick a finger in me."



Bob obliges. Then Cindy says, "Stick in the other three."



Once again, Bob obliges. Then Cindy says,

"Just go ahead and shove your whole hand in there."



So Bob eases his hand into Cindy, who then says,

"Now shove in your other hand."



Bob does so, and Cindy says, "Now CLAP!"



Bob tries, but nothing doing. "I can't!" he says.



Cindy looks at him with a smile and says, "Pretty tight, eh?"







A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the

owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."



Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his

free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he

Guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.



The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close.

The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."



A week later, the same redneck, along with his buddy, Bubba, pulled in

for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again

gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The

redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said,

"Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that

game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."



Bubba replied, No it ain't, Billy Ray.

It ain't rigged my wife won twice last week."

============ ==

Billy Bob goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but as usual, the store assistant comes along and closes the deal.



On his way home, Billy Bob puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He sees everyone in the street naked. He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...

everyone is naked! "Cool!"



As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and the postman, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked. Billy Bob then says, "Damn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're already broken!"

============ ========= =

A cowboy was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.



A woman walks past and says, snickering,

"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."



He raised an eyebrow and replied,

"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself.."

============ ======

Sexy and She Cooks!



When I went to lunch today, I noticed this elderly man about 75-80 years old sitting on a park bench near J.C. Penney and he was sobbing his eyes out.



I stopped and asked him what was wrong.



He said, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground brewed coffee."



I asked, "Well, then why are you crying?"



He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon."



I asked again, "Well so why are you crying?"



He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00am."



I asked yet again, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"



He sobbed, "I can't remember where I live!"

============ =========

Two old guys were chatting.... .

One said to the other:

"My 75th birthday was yesterday.

The wife gave me an SUV".





Other guy responded:

"Wow, that's amazing!!

Imagine, an SUV!!

What a great gift!"



First guy:

"Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"