Monday lols

[14inches]

I had to have a blood test today. When the technician said, "You'll
just feel a little prick," I answered, "Hell! I could have stayed
home for that!"

A little boy came home from playing outside one day. He was huffing
and puffing, like he was winded. All of sudden, the boy's father heard
a kitten squalling like it was extremely uncomfortable. He turned
around and looked. Sure enough, there's his son -- holding a kitten -
obviously no more than 6 weeks old! "What have you got there, son?"
"It's especially for you, Dad," the boy replied. The father asked,
"What do you mean?" "Remember the other night, you told Mom you wanted
'a little pussy? ' "Well, I heard you, and I went out and got you one!"

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman. She asked me
if I liked breasts or legs. I told her what he really liked was a
shaved snatch. Now I'm no longer welcome back at KFC..

One night my friend John and I were sitting at a bar where he used to
work, when an attractive woman, a former co-worker, came in and sat
next to him. She told him she had just had a fight with her husband, a
police officer, and needed to get out of the house for a while. They
had been talking for a few minutes when, as a joke, I leaned over to
John. "Don't look now," I whispered, "but a guy about six-five just
walked in. And he's got a gun." Without hesitating, John turned to me.
"Quick Ed," he said, "kiss me!"

Why did the blonde give up bowling for sex? The balls are lighter, and
you don't have to change shoes.

A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild
girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her
panties. He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?" "It's
me lower mouth." "What do you mean, your 'lower mouth'?" "Just what I
said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a mustache. It's got lips." "Has
it got a tongue in it?" "Not always."

The wages of sin are high unless you know someone who will do it for
nothing. (Robert Ford)

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He
watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to
himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"

A mother walks into her daughters room holding a condom in her hand,
"I found this while cleaning your room today. Are you sexually
active?" The daughter replies, "No, I just lay there."

A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants
pocket. But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe.
Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons.
As pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with
holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and
the pockets from his pants and tossed them in the trash along with the
soles of his shoes. A police officer who was observing the man asked
him for some identification. The man gave the officer a document that
shoed he was an ordained minister of the gospel. When the officer
began to escort him to a mental institution, the minister protested
violently, asking why he was receiving such unjust treatment. "Look,
we both know it's the best place for you now, " the officer replied.
"Anyone claiming to be a preacher who doesn't save souls or wear holy
clothes has probably lost his buttons. "

Early to bed, early to rise, and your girlfriend goes out with other
guys.

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the
altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest,
brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you
are happy to be getting married, but what's up you look so excited."
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my
entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest,
brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says,
"Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but
what's up, you look so excited.." The bride replies, "I have just given
the last blow job of my entire life."