Saturday lols

[14inches]

One Liners and Q & A

Q. What’s a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.



Q.. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It’s not hard.



Q: What do you call a 300 pound woman with a yeast infection?

A: A whopper with cheese.



Q: Why do girls and woman wear underwear?

A: So they don't get chapped lips.



Q: why are there no dumb brunettes?

A: peroxide.



Q: What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?

A: A hostage.



Live your life in such away that when your feet touch the floor in the morning Satan shudders and says "Oh Shoot She's Awake"



Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening.

Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.



How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?



I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.



I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.



The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.



I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.



Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart







Why is it when your wife gets pregnant all her friends rub her belly and say "Congratulations!"

But nobody rubs your dick and says "Good job..!"





Body & Mind Therapy with Lovemaking



1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when woman make love they produce double amounts of the hormone estrogen, which make hair shiny and skin smooth.



2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis,skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.



3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.



4.. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tunes up just about every muscles in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps and you don't need special sneakers!



5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases the body endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.



6.. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!



7. Sex is the safest tranquiliser in the world. It is 10 times more effective than Valium.



8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.



9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.



10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever!









Thief



Judge: "Looking over your file, I see there was an earlier complaint against you back in October, 1995. Seems your ex-wife claimed you stole her heart, her money and the best years of her life."



Accused: "I never stole nothing, Your Honor. She never had a heart to begin with; if I had stolen her money, why am I so poor now? And when I met her, she was already 73, so the best years of her life had already past."



Judge: "Very well. Let's deal with today's complaint. You've been accused of stealing an 18-year-old's virginity in the back of your pickup truck."



Accused: "Ain't true, Your Honor. The police arrived 5 minutes after her and I were in the back of my pickup. I didn't have time to hide anything even if I had stolen it. Furthermore, they checked my truck inside and out and never found a thing."



Judge: "Let me get this straight. You admit you were with the girl at around 8 PM Saturday, February 30th?"



Accused: "Gosh no, Your Honor. There is no February 30th."



Judge: "What'd ya do, steal that too?"

============ ==



There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.



Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.



They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"



He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages.



The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"



The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."

A hitch-hiker was on the side of the road trying to hitch a ride on a very dark night in the middle of a snow storm. The night passed slowly as only a few cars went by. The storm was so fierce that he could hardly see ten feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly looming, ghostlike, out of the gloom. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Reactively, the guy got into the car and closed the door, then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving again. The guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve. The guy started to pray, begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and he would plunge to his death, when just before the curve, a craggy hand appeared thru the window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Paralyzed with terror, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally, the guy gathered his wits and leaped from the car and ran toward some lights that was the only town for miles.



Cold, wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, and told everybody about his horrible, supernatural experience. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was apparently sane and not drunk.



About half an hour later Buck and Bell walked into the same bar. Buck says to Bell, "Honey, Look, ain't that the greenhorn that jumped in and rode in our car when we were pushing it in the blizzard?"

=========

The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.



"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."



"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.



Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"



"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"



"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night when we fuck, you wear that silly hat ."

============ ===