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Old 03-10-2009, 08:21 AM
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Dining Out!



"Dining Out" is getting to be a pain in the you know what!
Remember when eating out was a relaxing experience?
Someone else cooked for you, served you and cleaned up
After you. All you had to do was chew, swallow and pay.
No longer, though.
Today, you feel like a laboratory rat who has to struggle
Through a maze every time it wants a chunk of cheese!
"Good evening," the maitre d' said. "Table for two?"
"Yes, thank you."
"Smoking or non?" "Non smoking."
"Would you prefer to dine indoors or outdoors this
Evening?"
"I guess indoors would be good." "Very well, sir,"
He said.
"Would you like to be seated in the main dining
Room,the enclosed patio, or our lovely solarium?" "Uh,
Let me see...uh..."
"I can give you a table with a lovely view in our
Lovely solarium."
"I think the solarium would be lovely," I said.
We followed him there...
"Now, would you prefer a view overlooking the golf
Course, the sunset on the lake or the majestic mountains
To the West?"
"Whatever you recommend," I said.
Let HIM make a decision for a change, I thought.
He sat us by a window facing the golf course, lake
Or mountains. I couldn't tell which because it was dark
Outside.
Then, a young man better dressed and better
Looking than anyone else presented himself at my table...
"Good evening, my name is Paul, and I'll be your waiter
This evening. Would you like a few minutes before I
Take your order?"
"No," I said. "I'm just a meat-and-potatoes guy,
So I'll have the filet mignon and a baked potato."
"Soup, or salad?" "Salad."
"We have a mixed-green salad, hearts of palm, or
A very fine endive salad with baby shrimp." "Just a
Mixed-green salad, okay?"
"Whatever you say, sir. Dressing?"I didn't want
To make another decision..."Whatever you've got will be
Fine."
"We have creamy Italian, Blue Cheese, Vinaigrette,
Thousand Island, Honey Dijon and Ranch." "Just bring me
One. Surprise me."
"Creamy Italian is our house specialty. Would that be
All right, sir?"
"Yeah." I was curt. I was done with civility.
"And for your baked potato?" I knew what was
Coming!
"I just want the baked potato dry, you understand? I
Don't want anything on it." "No butter? No sour cream?"
"No." "No chives? No bacon chips?"
"No! Don't you understand English?I don't want
Anything on it.Just bring me a baked potato and a
Steak."
"Would you prefer the six, eight, or 12-ounce
Steak, sir?"
"Whatever." "Would you like that rare, medium rare,
Medium, medium well or well done?Or, if you prefer,
We can butterfly it for you."
"Pauly Boy," I said, "you are really starting
To get me steamed."
"Which brings up the vegetables, sir. Would you like
Steamed broccoli, creamed corn,sauteed zucchini, or
Diced carrots?" That did it!!!
I threw my napkin to the floor, stood up,put my face right
In his arrogant
Kisser and said,"How'd you like to settle this outside?"
"Fine with me, sir. Would you prefer the parking
Lot,the side alley or the street in front of the restaurant?"
"I prefer right here." Then I
Sucker-punched him.
He ducked, then countered with a left hook right
Under my eye.It was the first time all night he hadn't
Offered me a selection.
I collapsed semiconscious into my chair, as someone in
Authority rushed over and berated Pauly.
I felt my tie being loosened, my collar unbuttoned,
Hands slapping my face. When I regained my senses, I saw
The very concerned maitre d' right in front of my nose. He
Apologized and offered to buy me a drink,call the paramedics,
Whatever I wanted.
"No, no," I said. "I'll be all right.Just bring me a
Glass of water."
"Yes, sir, right away," he said. "Would you prefer
Imported mineral water,sparkling water, or club soda with a
Wedge of lime?
(How far to Burger King, I wonder...)
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Old 03-10-2009, 09:00 AM
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i feel like that every time we eat out -- it has yet to come to blows though --- yet
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LOL Mischief the drinks are on me for creating this smokin' gif.....
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