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Old 01-20-2009, 06:43 AM
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A _____ Walks Into A Bar

MAN WALKS INTO A BAR
A man walks into the bar by himself and orders two Guinness stouts. The bartender looks at him curiously. “One Guinness is for me,” the man explains, “the other for my poor, sickly brother back in the old country. He’s barely hanging on.” The bartender shrugs and pours the stouts. This goes on for most of the night and the next night and the one after that. After about a week of drinking two stouts at a time, one for him, one for his sickly brother, the man comes into the bar looking particularly downhearted and orders just one Guinness. “It’s your brother, isn’t it?” the barman says solemnly. “Nothing wrong with him,” the man shrugs. “It’s me who’s given up the drink.”

Clergy
A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar and the bartender says: What is this, some kind of a joke?

AT ELAINE'S IN NEW YORK
a drunk came staggering through the door. Elaine shooed him away. “Go on, get out of here,” she said. “Go home and sleep it off.” The drunk shrugged, staggered back out into the street. Five minutes later he was back in the doorway again. “What did I tell you?” Elaine yelled. The drunk squinted at her and said: “What do you own the whole block?”

WALKING THE DOGS
Two guys are walking their dogs. One has a big German Shepherd, the other a tiny Chihuahua. They pass by a very fancy restaurant and the guy with the Shepherd suggests they stop in for a drink. “They’re not going to let us in with the dogs,” the man with the Chihuahua says. Just do what I do, his friend assures him. The guy with the Shepherd walks in first and the maitre d’ stops him. “We don’t allow animals in here, sir. Sorry.” This is a seeing-eye dog, the man says. The maitre d’ apologizes and the man with Shepherd sits at the bar. Then the man with Chihuahua comes in.

“We don’t allow pets in here,” says the maitre d’.

“This is a seeing-eye dog,” says the man with the Chihuahua.

“That’s not a seeing-eye dog, that’s a Chihuahua.”

And the man says: “They gave me a Chihuahua?”

Now, what’ll ya have?


NEUTRONIC
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. “How much?” the neutron asks. “For you” the bartender replies, “no charge.”

A HORSE TALE
A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, “Why the long face?”

A BEAR'S TALE
A bear walks into a bar and sits down. He says “I’d………like……..a……….beer…… ……….please”. The bartender says “Why the big pause?”

CHEESIS!!!
A cheese sandwich walks into a bar-bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

TEE TOTELER'S TALE
I’ve been in a bar three times, I think, and am now 76. Sorry to have missed all the humor. For brevity, I’ll take the one about the Jewish people: even to get lucky, you have to get lucky.

A DOG'S TALE
a dog slams through the swinging doors of a saloom and says, “I’m looking for the fella that shot my paw.”

STONE SOBER TALE
A man walked into a bar and said “Ouch!”
A COUPLE TALES

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?”

Two Irish guys walk out of a bar. It can happen

A mushroom walks into a bar, the bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind here.” The mushroom says, “Why not, I’m a fungi.”

Guy walks into a bar. “Set ‘em up, bartender and have one yourself!” Comes time to pay the tab, he says, “I don’t have any money.” Bartender beats him up and throws him out. The next night, same thing. Guy comes and orders drinks for the bar. “And have one, yourself, bartender.” Time to pay the tab and he again says, “I don’t have a cent, bartender.” The bartender again beats him up, tosses him out. The third night, in comes the same guy. “Drinks for everybody!” The bartender says, sarcastically, “What? No drink for me?” The
guy says, “Hell, no. When you drink you wanna fight!”

A GRASSHOPRER'S TALE
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, “You know, we have a drink named after you.” Grasshopper: “You have a drink named Bob?!”

A DRIVING TALE
A guy rides his horse into a bar. “Gimme a bucket of whiskey for my horse,” he says.
“What about you?” asks the barkeep.
“Nothing for me,” the guy answers, “I’m driving.”

TERMITES TALE
a termite walks into a bar and yells ,”is the bartender here?”

THE TALE OF THREE STRINGS
3 pieces of string want to go grab a drink, so they walk up to a nearby tavern. A sign on the door reads “We don’t serve strings.”

First string says, “let me try anyway.” He walks in the bar, walks up to the bartender and asks for a beer. Bartender says, “Excuse me, but are you a string?” The string replied “yes I am,” and the bartender said “I’m sorry but we don’t serve strings here.”

2nd string says “I have an idea. Maybe if I order food the bartender would be more willing to serve us.” He walks in the bar sits down and orders a burger and a beer. Bartender says, “Excuse me, but are you a string?” String says, “Yes I am,” to which the bartender replies “I’m sorry but we don’t serve strings here.”

The 3rd strings says “I know how to get a beer!” He quickly ties himself up in to a knot and pulls a comb from his pocket. He takes the comb and roughly frays out the top of his head, and boldly strides in to the bar. 3rd string says, “Bartender, I’d like a beer.” Bartender replies, “By any chance, are you a sting?” The string said, “No, I’m afraid knot.”

THERE'S ONE IN EVERY CLOSET
A man and a skeleton walk into a bar. The man says, “Give me a pitcher of beer, and a mop.”

A COOL TALE
A customer keeps bothering the bartender about the air conditioning. First he asks for the air conditioning to be turned up because it’s ‘too hot.’ Five minutes later, he tells the bartender to turn it down, ’cause its freezing in here. Five minutes after that he’s yelling at the bartender, ‘whattarya tryin’ to do, roast me alive?’ And so on

Finally a customer asks; why don’t you just throw the bum out ? “Oh, I don’t care,” says the bartender with a grin, we don’t even have an air conditioner.”

QUACKERS
A guy walks into a bar with a duck under his arm. The bartender says, “Hey, where’d you meet that jerk?” The guy says, “This isn’t a jerk. It’s a duck.” The bartender says, “Yeah, I was talking to the duck.”

HEHEHOHAH!!
A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A guy walks into a a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm. He says, “one for me, and one for the road.”

Two peanuts were in a bar. One was a salted.

TWO MUSICIANS
Two musicians were walking down the street and they walked past a bar.

“Yeah, right, like that really happened”.

INSURANCE
A new bartender starts work and the old bartender he is working with is keeping an eye on him. At the beginning of the shift the new guy takes some cash out of the till and stuffs it into his pocket and takes a shot. The old guy cant believe it. At the end of the night he sees the guy take the money out of his pocket and put it back in the till and leave without having an after work drink. The next time they work together, same thing. The third time they work together the old guy says to him “Hey man what is the deal with taking the money out of the till and putting it back at the end of the night and no after work drink?” The new guy says “The last place I worked burned down and I didn’t get paid or my drink”

DRAGON TALE
Two Chinese businessmen walk into a bar, and buy it.

A PANDA TALE
A panda walks into a bar. Takes some peanuts from the bar and eats them, then pulls out a gun and empties it into a TV, then goes.
Perplexed, the barman asks one of his learned customers to explain what had just happened, Thumbing through an encyclopedia, the customers exclaims “Aha, its normal behavior. It says here under Panda: Eats shoots and leaves.”

A GORILLA'S TALE
Gorilla orders a beer. Stunned bartender runs to the owner: “Boss, a gorilla just ordered a beer. What do I do”? Boss: “Give him the beer. Charge him 20 bucks.” Confused, the bartender does as he was told. As the gorilla takes out his wallet to pay, the unbelieving bartender asks him to forgive him for staring: “Sorry but I don’t see many gorillas in here.”
Gorilla: ” At these prices, it’s no wonder.”
PICK UP CANINES
A Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, “Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.”

So the Doberman says, “I love liver and cheese.” The Collie replies, “That’s not good enough.”

The Bulldog says, “I hate liver and cheese.” She says, “That’s not creative enough.”

Finally, the Chihuahua says, “Liver alone . . . cheese mine.”

AND ONE FOR THE ROAD
A bear walks into a bar, the barmaid says, “We don’t serve beer to bears in this bar” & and the bear just looks at her. An elephant walks into the bar and asks for a beer, the barmaid gives it to him. The bear says “Why do you give a beer to an elephant and not to me?” “Cause we don’t serve beer to bears in this bar!” the barmaid says. The bear starts to get steamed. A penguin walks in asks for a beer, she gives him a beer. The bear is really starting to get mad, and asks again “Why do you serve elephants and penguins and not me?” “BECAUSE WE DON’T SERVE BEER TO BEARS IN THIS BAR!” the barmaid says. This keeps happening over and over, she serves the others but not the bear. Well, the bear has finally had enough. He grabs the barmaid and bites her head off! The owner runs out and says “I’m calling the vice squad on you!” “What? The vice squad? Why?” says the bear. The owner responds “Don’t you know that’s a barbiturate?”
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Old 01-20-2009, 08:27 AM
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Wow! This has to be just about every single bar joke heard in the last 20 years. I actually had never heard a couple of them before.
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Old 01-21-2009, 10:56 PM
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oh there a more..... alot more...

for example,

2 poofs are having a argument in a bar, so they decide to go outside and trade blows....
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