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Old 01-07-2009, 06:04 AM
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The Youth Diet!




Over the years you may have noticed that most 2 year olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of grapefruit juice and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.

After consultation with pediatricians, x-ray technicians, and distraught mothers, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive and offers great variety and sufficient quantity. ENJOY!

Day 1:

Breakfast- One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch- Four crayons (any color) a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk- 3 sips, then spill the rest.

Dinner- A dry stick, 2 pennies, 4 sips of flat diet pop.

Bedtime snack- Toast a piece of bread, butter it, and toss it face down on the floor.


Day 2:

Breakfast- Pick up stale toast from the floor and eat it. Drink 1/2 bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch- Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and one ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon snack- Lick an all day sucker until sticky, take it outside and drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until clean again, then bring inside and drop on living room carpet.

Dinner- A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes, eat with spoon.


Day 3:

Breakfast- 2 pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub fingers in hair to clean. Glass of milk, drink half, stuff excess pancakes in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from carpet, lick off fuzz until sticky again, then leave on cushion of your best chair.

Lunch- Peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several well-chewed bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk onto table, then slurp up.

Dinner- Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, 1 sip of cold coffee.


Final Day:

Breakfast- 1/4 tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bite of soap, one olive. Pour glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add 1/2 cup of sugar. Wait until cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog with your spoon.

Lunch- Eat crumbs off the kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner- A plate of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Handful of cheese snacks, eat 2 and place the rest in bowling ball holes or any other convenient hiding place.
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