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Old 01-03-2009, 01:30 PM
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Bunch of funnies for Saturday

One tug, two tugs....

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they cant see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why dont we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you dont want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you dont want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."


Close your legs

Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they’re finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

On her 70th birthday, an old women decides its time to finnaly get married. Since she has no hot prospects, she decides to run this ad in the local newspaper:

" Seventy-year young virgin seeks husband. Must be in same age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and MUST still be good in bed. Apply in person"

The next day, her doorbell rings, and when she opens the door, much to her dismay is a gray haired man in a wheelchair, and he has no arms or legs.

She asks the man, "Do you really expect me to choose you? You dont even have any arms or legs!" The old man replies, "Well, I dont have arms, so how could I beat you?" The woman agrees, and asks him to proceed. "I dont have any legs, so how could I run around on you? Again, she agrees, and replies, "But how could you, without any arms or legs, possibly be good in bed?"

The man smiles and says, "I rang the doorbell, didnt I!"


70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so hes fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when Im done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "thats incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called Georges wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically hes great. But I had to call because Im in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! Hes peeing in the refrigerator


A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion


The man walks up to him and says, "I didnt know you were into earrings."

"Dont make such a big deal out of this, its only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck..."


A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

"Mother, where do babies come from?"

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married

. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex."

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend.

"Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"

"Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."

Two priests were taking a piss in the urinals one day and the one priest looks down and sees a nicotine patch on the other guys dick.

He says "Im not really a rocket scientist or anything, but, isnt that supposed to be on your arm?"

And the other priest goes "Nah, its working fine. Im down to two butts a day"!

A furious pounding in a hotel room in the middle of the night awakened a number of guests. The hotel manager went to the room, and when his knocks went unanswered, he let himself in. He found an elderly man cursing and banging on the wall with both fists.
"Stop that immediately, sir!" the manager ordered. "You're disturbing everyone in the hotel."
"Damn the hotel and everyone in it!" the elderly man hollered. "I just got an erection!"
"Okay," said the hotel manager, "but why must you bang your fists against the wall?"
"Because it's the first erection I've had in years and both of my hands are asleep!"

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150. The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

At a bus stop 2 Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them says the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one la-sta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

"Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi'."


A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''


A blond was watching the news with her husband when the newscaster
said two Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident.

The blond starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible so many men dying
that way!"

Confused, he said, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were
skydiving and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes
the blond, still sobbing asks, "How many is a Brazilian?"


A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors, Bob, Tom & Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt that having sex with both Bob & Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and he inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob & Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So, they buried Debbie.


Definition of Screwed

You have a house payment, a car payment, a wife and a girlfriend. And all 4 are a month late.


Suspected Terrorists
I'm not mean you're just a sissy.
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