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Old 12-23-2008, 12:49 PM
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Fuck the world!

Ask yourself! What has the world ever done for you? You, a precious beautiful snowflake with a passionate love for "Mother Nature" and an irrational hate for "Talking Snakes", have done nothing but give and give and give to this fat ugly planet and what have you gotten in return? Not a fucking thing. You reached into your chest and pulled out a beating heart with all of the infinite love contained therein and the world laughed at you and gave you...shit!

The world wakes up every morning thinking about fucking you. The very oceans themselves are products of the world's wet dreams about screwing your life over. Trees? Why, that's just what we refer to as "morning wood". You're just another object in the world's sick perverted fantasies.

The world is trying to fuck you right now. Just the other day it asked me for your phone number, but I knew better. I know first-hand what it's like to get a text message at 4am spelling out (in comically abbreviated words) all the many nasty things it would do to me. It's no laughing matter. I ended up having to get a restraining order stating that the world cannot come within 500 feet of me.

Yes, the world wants to fuck you. There's no debating that. But how is the world trying to do this? Let's explore.

The world loves to make you confused and scared. It creates paradoxical situations with which to frighten you and send you into a state of panic. For instance:

Every person in the world has a fate. Unfortunately, people also have a destiny which can sometimes conflict with their fate, especially if they're the kinds of people who put their fate in their own hands and face their destiny. Unfortunately it gets infinitely more complicated than that. When the Mormon God created everyone, he gave them the free will to do as they please. However, Mormon God also knows everything and would therefore know what a person would do even when acting randomly, thereby destroying their free will and sealing their destiny.

So where does the world come in on this? Well the world knows that humans are remarkably confused about their ability to change their fate and most of the time to even complete the simplest of bodily functions without facing grave physical danger. It knows this and it therefore created fortune cookies by producing the wood for the paper and the bread stuff for the shell thingy.

Now, we all know fortune cookies are right 100% of the time, but logically, how can this work? Well we would have to either assume that the fortunes themselves change a person's destiny simply by being read or only predict things that will already occur. If the paper changes destiny (but not fate) and coincides with God's divine plan (but is changeable by prayer to Jesus) and allows for the possibility of free will (but not necessarily for omniscience) then if a robot reads this sentence, its head will explode.

The world prides itself on its cunning deceit and unparalleled douchiness. Think about how people get diseases. The world presents you with a beautiful little fluffy bunny rabbit and you, in your endless naivety go to pet it, only to have it bite you in the eye and give you rabies. It sooths you into a false sense of security with nice things like fuzzy animals, gorgeous plants, tiny insects, food, water and the sun...and you end up with diseases, poison, insect poison, food poison, poisoned water.

Let's face it. The world kills you for the most fucked up reasons imaginable. Do you want warm shelter? BAM! Asbestos. Do you enjoy breathing? BAM! Have some anthrax. Sex anyone? BAM! More types of STD's than you can shake your stick at. In fact, after falling off of my neighbour's roof last night, I found out that even the seemingly simple act of levitating is apparently quite difficult because of the world's malicious policy of gravity.

There is only one way to prepare yourself against an onslaught of a million different possible deaths for any reason or none, and that's to stop getting fucked and fuck the world.

Now c'mere! I wanna feel your boobies...
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