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Old 12-22-2008, 09:47 PM
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PG13 Holiday Alertness Tips

The U.S. Government recently issued a holiday-season warning of
unspecified attacks and once again put Americans on high alert.

Since most Americans seem confused as to exactly what they should be
doing or looking out for, here are some suggestions.

The Top 15 Holiday Alertness Tips

15> Beware of bearded religious fanatics penetrating the air space
above your house or chimney.

14> Anthrax spores may arrive in the guise of small white flakes
descending from the sky. Run for cover!

13> This year, avoid the New Year's Eve fireworks display in
Kandahar.

12> Beware of people sucking candy canes in a way that makes them
very, very pointy.

11> Carefully sorted mail with rubber gloves and a mask? Check.
Incinerated suspicious looking mail? Check.
Accidentally reduced holiday bonus check to carbon? D'OH!

10> Why fly when you can argue with relatives via instant messaging?

9> Keep in mind that airport security personnel spend 75% less time
processing naked people through checkpoints.

8> Fruit cakes, if stacked properly, can make an effective and
tasty bomb shelter.

7> Visions of sugarplums may indicate exposure to nerve gas.

6> Pointy, dangerous metal Menorahs should be replaced with the
Nerf(tm) Menorah.

5> If you encounter a Santa's helper in the mall who says, "Dude,
you're gettin' a Dell," do the world a favor and pummel him
senseless.

4> Leave the tinsel strand hanging out of the cat's ass. It'll
make Fluffy easier to find in a blackout.

3> Do random strip searches of secretaries at the company holiday
party. THIS year, the Attorney General's got your back!

2> Guys: While carving the Christmas turkey with the electric knife,
make sure you've finished having sex with the turkey first.

1> Going to the Rose Parade? Keep your distance from that "Jihad
Wonderland" float.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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