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Old 12-21-2008, 01:01 PM
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PG13 Xmas lol's



Short Reindeer Jokes What do reindeer say before telling you a joke ?
This one will sleigh you !


Why do reindeer wear fur coats ?
Because they would look silly in plastic macs !


How do you make a slow reindeer fast ?
Don't feed it !


Why did the reindeer wear black boots ?
Because his brown ones were all muddy !


How long should a reindeer's legs be ?
Just long enough to reach the ground !


Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach ?
Because he didn't want to be recognised !


Which reindeer have the shortest legs ?
The smallest ones !


Where do you find reindeer ?
It depends on where you leave them !


What do reindeer have that no other animals have ?
Baby reindeer !
------------ --------- --------- ---------
One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer
walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a
martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and
poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and
accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.


As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said,
"You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever
seen in here."


The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said,
"Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices,
I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."
------------ --------- --------- --------- ----
'Twas A Computer Christmas


T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the shop,
The computers were whirring; they never do stop.
The power was on and the temperature right,
In hopes that the input would feed back that night.
The system was ready, the program was coded,
And memory drums had been carefully loaded;
While adding a Christmasy glow to the scene,
The lights on the console, flashed red, white and green.
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter,
The programmer ran to see what was the matter.
Away to the hallway he flew like a flash,
Forgetting his key in his curious dash.
He stood in the hallway and looked all about,
When the door slammed behind him, and he was locked out.
Then, in the computer room what should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer;
And a little old man, who with scarcely a pause,
Chuckled: "My name is Santa...the last name is Claus."
The computer was startled, confused by the name,
Then it buzzed as it heard the old fellow exclaim:
"This is Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
And Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen."
With all these odd names, it was puzzled anew;
It hummed and it clanked, and a main circuit blew.
It searched in its memory core, trying to "think";
Then the multi-line printer went out on the blink.


Unable to do its electronic job,
It said in a voice that was almost a sob:
"Your eyes - how they twinkle - your dimples so merry,
Your cheeks so like roses, your nose like a cherry,
Your smile - all these things, I've been programmed to know,
And at data - recall, I am more than so - so;
But your name and your address (computers can't lie),
Are things that I just cannot identify.
You've a jolly old face and a little round belly,
That shakes when you la ugh like a bowlful of jelly;
My scanners can see you, but still I insist,
Since you're not in my program, you cannot exist!"
Old Santa just chuckled a merry "ho, ho",
And sat down to type out a quick word or so.
The keyboard clack-clattered, its sound sharp and clean,
As Santa fed this "data" to the machine:
"Kids everywhere know me; I come every year;
The presents I bring add to everyone's cheer;
But you won't get anything - that's plain to see;
Too bad your programmers forgot about me."


Then he faced the machine and said with a shrug,
" Merry Christmas to All " as he pulled out the plug!
------------ --------- --------
*Christmas For Cowboys Poem
*


Tall in the saddle we spend Christmas Day,
Drivin' the cattle on snow-covered plains.
Of all the good gifts given today;
Ours is the sky and the wide open range.


Back in the cities, they have diff'rent ways,
Football and eggnog and Christmas parades.
I'll take the blanket; I'll take the reins;
Christmas for cowboys on the wide open plains.


A campfire for warmth as we stop for the night;
The stars overhead are the Christmas-tree lights,
The wind sings a hymn as we bow down to pray;
Christmas for cowboys on the wide open range.


It's tall in the saddle we spend Christmas Day,
Drivin' the cattle on the snow-covered plains.
So many gifts have been opened today;
Ours is the sky and the wide open range,
It's Christmas for cowboys on the wide open plains.
------------ --------- --------
Christmas Tongue Twisters
Seven Santas sang silly songs.


Tiny Timmy trims the tall tree with tinsel.


Santa's sleigh slides on slick snow.


Bobby brings bright bells.


How many deer would a reindeer reign if a reindeer could reign deer?


Running reindeer romp 'round red wreaths.


Kris Kringle chose to climb the chimney at Christmas.


Chilly chipper children cheerfully chant.


Two trains travel together to Toyland.


Eleven elves licked eleven little licorice lollipops.


Santa's sack sags slightly.


Ten tiny tin trains toot ten times.


Santa stuffs Stephie's striped stocking.


There's chimney soot on Santa's suit.


Comet cuddles cute Christmas kittens carefully.


Kris Kringle clapped crisply.
------------ --------- --------- --------
If Companies Ran Christmas


If IBM ran Christmas...


They would want one big Santadressed in bluewhere kids queue up
For their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about
24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.


If Microsoft ran Christmas...


Each time you bought an ornamentyou would have to buy a tree as
Well. You wouldn't have to take the treebut you still have to pay
For it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a
Reinforced steel counter top tree)draw enough electricity to power
A small citytake up 95% of the space in your living roomwould
Claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green
Together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out
Who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornamentsbut
Nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types
Wouldn't work with their hooks.


If Apple ran Christmas...


It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments dobut years
Earlierand with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).


If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas...


Ornaments would be priced slightly higherbut would hang on the
Tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be
Prettier than most all the others. Options would be available
For 'equalization' of color combinations on the tree.


If Dell ran Christmas...


Wait a minute? Isn't IBM running this Christmas..? ?


If Fisher Price ran Christmas...


"Baby's First Ornament" would have a hand-crank that you turn to
Hang the thing on the tree.


If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas...


The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black
Cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyonebut
No one would know what they were. Their service department would have
An unlisted phone numberand be located at the North Pole. Blueprints
For ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X-
Files would have an episode about them.


If the NSA ran Christmas...


Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could
Access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of
National security.


If IRS ran Christmas...


We would have no tree.


If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas...


They would market the Reverse Polish Ornamentwhich is put in your
Attic on the weekend after Thanksgivingand placed out for viewing
The day after the January Bowl Games.


If Sony ran Christmas...


Their Personal Xmas-ing Devicewhich would be barely larger than an
Ornament and flatwould allow you to celebrate the season with a
Device that allowed you to play a game to shoot down virtual dragon
Ornaments.


If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas...


Every monthyou would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from
An authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament
Would weight about 7 poundsand require you to pay shipping and
Handling charges.


If Cray ran Christmas...


The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated
Faster than any other holiday during the year.


If Thinking Machines ran Christmas...


You would be able to hang over 64000 ornaments on your tree (all
Identical) at the same time.


If Timex ran Christmas...


The holiday would be cheapsmallquartz- crystal drivenand would
Let you take a licking and keep on shopping.


If Radio Shack ran Christmas...


The staff would sell you ornamentsbut not know anything about them
Or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own
Tree.


If K-Tel ran Christmas...


Ornaments would not be sold in stores but when you purchased some they would
be accompanied by a free set of Ginsu knives.


If Wal-Mart ran Christmas...


They would immediately change the name to Wal-Mas.
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