Holiday eating tips

[14inches]

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a
holiday buffet table has yet to embrace the Christmas
spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum
balls.
~~
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can - and
quickly. It's rare; you can't find it any other time
of year but right now. So drink up! Who cares that
it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if
you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or
something. It's a treat; enjoy it. Have one for me.
Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!


~~
3. If something comes with gravy, pour it on. That's
the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand
alone. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes.
Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat as
necessary... .

~~
4. Before asking for mashed potatoes, always ask if
they're made with skim or whole milk. If it's skim,
pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with
an automatic transmission.

~~
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an
effort to control your eating. The whole point of
going to a Christmas party is to inhale other people's
food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

~~
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between
now and New Year's. You can do that in January when
there's nothing else to do. This is the time for long
naps, which you'll need after an afternoon of circling
the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of
food and that stein of eggnog.

~~
7. If you come across something
especially tasty at a buffet table - like frosted
Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa
- establish yourself near them and don't budge. Have
as many as you can before becoming the center of
attention.Special treats are like a beautiful pair of
shoes; if you leave them behind, you're never going to
see them again.

~~
8. Same for pies: Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a
slice of each. Or, if you can't gag down mincemeat,
have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three.
When else do you get to have more than one dessert
- Labor Day?

~~
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's
loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but
avoid it at all costs. I mean, have some standards.

~~
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when
you leave the party or get up from the table, you
haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start
over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Have a great holiday!