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Old 12-16-2008, 10:37 AM
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PG Congratulations!

Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged
daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the
maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions
about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the
product to the factory for a full refund.)

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine
whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine
your new daughter carefully.
Does she:
(a) look very similar to your originaldaughter, only with more
makeup and less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except
when requesting money)?
(c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice
try, though.

BREAK-IN PERIOD:
When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially
experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort
will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the
"Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to
certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress.
Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start
acting even worse.

ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in
the vicinity of a telephone. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut
down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter
means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat."
Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent
showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with
expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them becauselike I 'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and
dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they
will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom,
which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask
them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat."
Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect
others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter requires
regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants
because she detests everything you eat because it is like so
disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these
restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I
want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either
order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If
you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy
might see you and ohmigosh he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea
of an attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER:
Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and
frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter.
If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are
available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to
dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coërce her into putting
on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks
in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely
different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two
levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter
is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and
whatever you try won't work.

WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your
genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not f! air, tal k to
your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will
remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman,
which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are
concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your
teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your
warranty does not give you your little girl back under any
circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there -you
just have to look for her.
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