1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).
2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore
marriage is an institution for the blind.
3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.
4. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first
year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year,the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year,
they both speak and the NEIGHBOR listens.
5. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish &nb sp; you had ordered that instead.
6. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
7. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and
taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
8. Son: How much does it cost to get married,
Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
9. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient
China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That's true everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
10. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
11. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
12. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10 year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
13. Confucius says: man who sinks into a woman's arm soon have arms in woman's sink.
14. When a man steals your wife, there is no
better revenge than to let him keep her.
15. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.
16. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They can't face each other, but still they stay together.
17. Marriage is when a man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
18. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.
19. "I married Miss right, I just didn't know
her first name was Always."
20. It's not true that married men live longer
than single men, it only seems longer.
21. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
22. A man was complaining to a friend: "I HAD IT ALL, MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE." WHAT HAPPENED?" asked his friend. He says "MY WIFE FOUND OUT."
23. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun
tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on.
24. At a cocktail party, one woman said to
another: "AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER?" The other replied, "YES, I AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN."
25. Man is incomplete until he gets married,
then he is finished.
26. It doesn't matter how often a married man
changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
27. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE
WANTED. The next day he received a hundred letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
28. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.
29. They say women in the U.S. have a longer life expectancy than men ... I think we just choose to die sooner!
18. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.
19. "I married Miss right, I just didn't know
her first name was Always."
20. It's not true that married men live longer
than single men, it only seems longer.
21. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
22. A man was complaining to a friend: "I HAD IT ALL, MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE." WHAT HAPPENED?" asked his friend. He says "MY WIFE FOUND OUT."
23. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun
tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on.
24. At a cocktail party, one woman said to
another: "AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER?" The other replied, "YES, I AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN."
25. Man is incomplete until he gets married,
then he is finished.
26. It doesn't matter how often a married man
changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
27. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE
WANTED. The next day he received a hundred letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
28. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.
29. They say women in the U.S. have a longer life expectancy than men ... I think we just choose to die sooner!
Click on link
http://www.hotmedia .org/2005- 11-22/nichtrauch er.wmv
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"Definitions Of A Bachelor"
* One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.
* One who believes in Life,Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.
* One who believes in Wine,Women and So-Long.
* One who can get into bed from either side.
* One who can go fishing anytime,until he gets hooked.
* One who can have a girl on his knee without having her on his
hands.
* One who can't be Spouse-Broken.
* One who cheated some woman out of a divorce.
* One who is not missing anything in life except a few buttons
on his shirt.
* One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't
get a grip on him.
* One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.
* One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she is ... Single!
* One who never makes the same mistake once.
* One who never met a girl he couldn't live without.
* One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns
Stone-Deaf.
* One who when he opens the window in his apartment, more dust
blows out than in.
* One who would rather mend his socks than his ways
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A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche
and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you
get that car???!!!"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents.
We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the! boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would
sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?"
they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't
know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride
past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a
Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must
be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next?
John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the
house where the lady lived and found her out in
the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced
himself as the father of the boy to whom she had
sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to
know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call
from my husband. I thought he was on a business
trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii
with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come
back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to
sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
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A cute young woman was giving a manicure to a man in the
barber shop. The man said, "How about a date later?"
"I'm married," she answered.
With a wink he said, "So, just tell him you're going out
with your girlfriends."
"Tell him yourself," she said, "he's shaving you."
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A college professor had the mysterious habit of walking into the lecture hall each morning, removing a tennis ball from his jacket pocket. He would set it on the corner of the podium. After giving the lecture for the day, he would once again pick up the tennis ball, place it into his jacket pocket, and leave the room. No one ever understood why he did this, until one day.
A student fell asleep during the lecture. The professor never missed a word of his lecture while he walked over to the podium, picked up the tennis ball and threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely on the top of the head.
The next day, the professor walked into the room, reached into his jacket, removed a baseball. . . No one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the semester!
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I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew, Mitch, having a snack. "Where's your mother?" I asked.
"She said she was going to have a shower. Just a minute, I'll see." Mitch went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast. An indignant yell came from above. Mitch calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yes, she's in the shower."
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The New York City subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand.
One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - That's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really!" she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half-hour."
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He says, "Hey Dad! What are you doing?"
His father says, "I'm filling your mother's tank."
Johnny says,"Oh, yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets
better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning."
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Some old jokes 
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