Get in shape with a dog

[Marbles]

You've seen those fitness ads on TV promising
amazing results from all sorts of contraptions. Well,
there's no need to invest in fancy equipment. If you
have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything
you need to get in shape now. The following exer-
cises can be done anywhere, anytime.

Inner Thighs: Place the dog's favorite toy between
thighs. Press tighter than the dog can pull. Do not
attempt bare legged - dogs who favor shortcuts to
success will just dig the toy out. You could be hurt.

Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch,
off the bed, out of the flower bed. Repeat, repeat,
repeat. As the dog ages, this exercise is reversed,
onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and so on.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your
puppy from unsuitable tight places. If they're too
small for him, they're certainly too small for you. Do
it anyway!

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not
falling when your dog bounds across the full length of
the room, sails through the air, and slams both front
paws into the back of your knees.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3: (for use with
multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap and answer
the phone before it stops ringing.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 4: (alternate) For
older dogs, attempt to cross a room without tripping
over the dog. Get off your couch without crushing
any part of a sleeping elderly dog.

Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy.
Throw the Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.

Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope. Tug the pull
toy. Tug the sock. Repeat until your shoulder is
dislocated or the dog gives up (we all know which
comes first).

Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from
dog's locked jaw. This exercise is especially popular
with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must
be quick and precise to prevent trips to the vet, which
only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming
clenches.

Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your
body, hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the
dog tug while you tug back. WARNING: This is
feasible only for those with strong bones and small
dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement
today?

Calves: (alternate) Run after dog - pick any reason,
there are plenty. Dogs of any size can be used for this
exercise. Greyhounds are inadvisable.

Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine
tongue headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This
is a lifelong fitness program. A dog is never too old
or too feeble to "kiss" you when you least expect it.